Hello Lovely, I Hate You
by I Spaz With Pizzazz
Summary: When one does not pay attention while driving, they may or may not be happy with what they hit. The same applies to life in general, sometimes even when one is paying too /close/ attention. KakuHida, AU.
1. Crashed Into You One Day

**A/N: **Aha! It's a new fic! :3 It's M because I'm paranoid and don't know where to put it…it's sort of in between, see… xD But here you go! I had fun with this first chappie, so I hope you like it. X3 Please review if you do?

I don't own Naruto, but…I do have a coin with Naruto's head on it. -nod nod-

--

Hello Lovely, I Hate You

..x.

Honestly, the day hadn't started out so well either… So what if he'd played loud music the night before? His landlord didn't have to yell at him for that. Jashin, what a prick. Okay, so Mindless Self Indulgence _did _tend to swear some in their songs, but it didn't get too much worse than 'you fucking bitch'…well, much. Hell, Hidan said worse. Way fucking worse…in fact, he'd said worse that morning when he'd explained to his landlord that he didn't appreciate him bitching about the music.

Which, of course, had gotten him evicted.

Who knew that the landlord was such a prude? Geez, how stupid…

So now he was loading his life into his car, grumbling about it all the way, and having absolutely no idea where he was going next. Wasn't that just glorious…? Ugh. He crammed more junk into the backseat, and heard a crunch of something fragile breaking. Damn it. Well, it looked like he was going to have to go shopping for some new bowls too, after browsing for a new apartment. If he could even find an open one…

"Maybe I'll move to the wilderness where nobody can piss me off. Yeah, that's it… I can turn my music up as damn fucking loud as I want it to be…!"

"Hey, you better get out soon, because when I say you're gone, you are _gone!"_

Oh, so now the bloody landlord had come to prod him even more. _Yeah, you just LOVE to make my life Hell. How far up your ass do you have that stick?!_

"Yeah, yeah, I'm leaving." He muttered through gritted teeth, trying to restrain from going off on him. No, no, wait. Who the fuck cared anymore if he cursed like a sailor?!

_If you're gonna get evicted, Hidan, at least do it with some pizzazz._

"You know what, you motherfucking bastard?" He began, ready to let loose all the raging fire he was curdling in his soul.

"What did you just say to me, young man?"

"Ha, yes. You noticed. Good! Cuz I've got something to fucking tell you!"

"Wha…what…"

"UP YOURS!" Hidan shouted, and triumphantly flashed his middle finger before hopping behind his steering wheel and speeding off.

Good fucking riddance.

Ahh, that felt _good._

Jacking up the CD's volume, he sang along to every word.

--

Royally pissed, high on the reward of happiness from standing up to that bastard, and rocking out like he was actually in the mosh pit, Hidan wasn't paying attention at all to where he was going. Several pedestrians and squirrels almost fell victim to his erratic driving, but he was too oblivious to the world to notice. He felt liberated; he felt like he was officially on his own now. Not a damn person could tell him what to do.

Well, except his boss at the CD shop where he worked, but he was nice. One of the few nice people in the world… Technically, there was Zetsu too, his co-worker and basically only friend…

_Smash._

"Oh…shit?" Hidan exclaimed, startled by a sudden jolt of impact. "Ohh. Shit!"

He'd hit another car. Only enough to crumple the bumper, but when the other driver emerged, there was clear loathing in his movement.

What the hell was he wearing, though? A mask? Dude, what was he, a yakuza criminal or something?

_Jashin save me. I've run into a hit man._

Or maybe he'd just been watching too many late night action movies and scarfing down too much microwavable popcorn.

But anyway, the dude had already reached Hidan's window, and there was definite scorn in his eyes. Oddly made very nervous, (and that didn't happen often) he gulped as he rolled down his window.

"Um. Hi." Hidan said, "It's a great day for a drive, isn't it…?"

"You unobservant, reckless idiot."

Eh. He couldn't disagree with that…because it _was _true.

The man went on, "You're paying for the repair. And you will not argue, because I do not waste my money on things like people who can't drive properly running into my car. Where do you live? You're taking me there and you're going to pay me."

Snippy little thing, wasn't he? Not little, though, because he was actually really tall. Crazy tall. And really fucking intimidating, too. Which was why Hidan didn't protest so much yet. _What's wrong with me? _"Uh, see, about that…"

"Didn't you hear? You're paying for it. Ugh, why do I always get the stupid ones…?"

Okay, that was enough.

"Yo ,I'm not an idiot! And I can fucking hear you just fine and dandy… Yeah. Fine and fuckin' dandy!"

Jashin, this prick had to have been taking lessons from his landlord…so annoying.

That received a degrading look. "What a mouth you've got. Regardless, take me to your house and we'll discuss it."

Everything was like a business to him…straight and to the point.

_Yuck._

"Well, how lucky for me that I got evicted just now." Hidan quipped, "Because I can tell you don't like me, and frankly I hate you too. So, if you want money, I can…ah, shit. Um…" He looked up, regretting his snapping when he remembered he was sort of not getting paid until three more days. "Umm…I have…twenty…dollars…?"

"And you said you're not an idiot…" He groaned, but stopped. "Eh, sorry. I'm not in the best mood today."

Sheepishly, Hidan grinned. "So you'll let me go?"

"Um, _no. _I want money for this damage!"

"Well, I don't fucking have any…"

"But…" He was visibly struck by an idea.

And Hidan was scared, because this dude made him feel weird. That never happened to him… Bleh, he hated this person to _death, _for Jashin's sake…

"You need a place to stay, right?"

His car wasn't going to cut it forever, so… "Yeah…"

"Damn it, I'm going to regret it, but here's the deal. You can come with me, stay at my place, and pay me off. Basically, I'll give you a room but you'll do everything I say."

What a crack-headed idea…

"Hunh?!"

"Well, I'm not going to let you just leave me with this giant dent. So, I'll make you repay me this way."

"You can't fucking kidnap me, dude!"

A smirk rested in his eyes now. He knew he had Hidan trapped. "What's worse, living in your tiny car or in a house, even if you have to work for me?"

Fuck.

"I hate you."

"I knew you'd see it my way…" He smirked, and reached a hand through the open window, offering it to shake. "So hello, new servant. I'm Kakuzu. Nice to meet you."

"…Hidan…"

Meanwhile, the CD's final track was working its way through, almost to the end.

It played, "Reginald, release the hounds!"

Hidan considered them released. Housework and shit…he never ever did that.

_I'm gonna die, aren't I?_

And technically, it was all because his fucking landlord didn't appreciate fine music.

Ugh.


	2. Welcome to Here

**A/N: **Oh, I'm so happy you guys liked it! :D I planned out the series in my notebook, and it's going to have somewhere around fifteen chapters unless I get another inspiration. :3 Thank you for reading and please review if you like it? I love to hear what you think. xD Enjoy!

I don't own Narutoooo. Nope. No. Nuu. Huh-uh. X3

--

Hello Lovely, I Hate You

.x.tWo.x.

Hidan so did not want to account for Kakuzu's every whim like he found himself being forced to. Of course, it wasn't like he had very much of a choice, because he wasn't about to get sued or smacked over the head with the bumper he'd dented… So, since he was stuck, Hidan tailed his slave driver to his house.

As they stepped out of their cars, he inspected the place he was going to be held. Hm. Not too big, but big enough. There was what looked to be a small yard in the back, so it wasn't really a bad place…

Well, not a bad place considering he had no choice.

"Welcome home, Hidan."

"Aah!" He yelped, jumping as seeing Kakuzu's mask again startled him. "Dammit! Would you just take that off?!"

Seriously, the mask made it seem like a horror movie. Only horror movies psychos wore masks all day, and it freaked him out.

"Take off…my mask?"

"Yes! Why the hell do you wear that thing, anyway?!"

"Stitches."

"Huh?"

Stitches," Kakuzu repeated, "They're tattooed on… I did it on an odd spending spree. It was stupid, a waste of money…I get weird looks from it, and so I hide them now."

Hidan preferred stitches to masks, even though both were sort of scary. Still, he wanted to see people's faces. It was easier to hate them that way.

And he was pretty sure he was going to be sending this guy plenty of hate waves…

"Dude, just do me this one fucking favor and get rid of it. If I'm gonna be your Jashin-damned slave or whatever, I think I should get at least this one thing!"

"Who's 'Jashin'?" He quipped, laughing slightly at the strange expression.

Oh, no he didn't.

"Dude, Jashin is fucking law! Don't make fun of him!" Hidan snarled, "He's my god, and if you don't shut up he's gonna fucking ki—"

"Yeah, sure. And would you stop cursing every other word?" Kakuzu yawned, so far unalarmed by it. Ah, but he still didn't know what came along with Jashinism. That was still to come. But, he slid off his mask, and Hidan was surprised by what he found.

Oh.

He wasn't really half bad looking. There were a few stray stitches, yeah, but…

He was sort of nice looking.

Weird.

From behind the door, a small dog began yelping excitedly, and Kakuzu announced, "That's Charlie. He'll probably bite you. Generally, he doesn't like anyone but me, so…yeah. Poor you, right?"

"Bring it." Hidan sighed, not afraid of any dumb dog. Okay, well…he _did _take the slightest step back, because he didn't like getting used as a chew toy.

See, Hidan liked to pretend like he wasn't afraid of anything. Basically, he was a spoiled little kid…but that was the way he liked it. _Not _being this dick's housework slave.

Dammit.

If he ever met that landlord of his in a dark alley, he was _so _going to get it.

As Kakuzu unlocked his door and swung it open, a scruffy brown mutt shot out in a burst of excited energy. He was tiny; the total opposite of what Kakuzu was, but in that weird way pets and their owners have, they still somehow had similarities.

Had Hidan been in a better mood, he would have laughed about it.

Charlie stopped short, noticing the strange new man, and narrowed his cloudy old eyes to size him up. The small dog showed his age, with many grey patches of tangled fur intermixed with the brown clumps. Yeah, he was sort of cute, too.

Hidan felt bad for him for having to waste away living with the bothersome Kakuzu. Poor creature. He wondered if he'd trained the dog to work for him too…now that would be fucked up.

After due consideration, instead of growling and attacking, Charlie sprung forth and began vigorously licking the Jashinist's foot.

"Yeah. Like hell he's gonna bite me," he smirked to a confused Kakuzu.

"Oh," he sputtered, shocked. "He…he _likes _you…"

_Yes. Take that, you money whore!_

Smugly, Hidan picked up the dog, who calmly adjusted to licking his face sloppily, and Hidan strode into the house he really didn't want to live in.

Again, he liked how it looked way more than he should have, except for that it was so…_clean. _Dude. How was a level of that cleanliness even possible?! Was he supposed to _keep _it that way?!

Oh, fuck no.

When Hidan had had his apartment, (damn you, landlord!) it was the carbon copy of a landslide, only with household items and CDs and magazines instead of mud.

There was no way he could keep _any _place clean from that, even if he was being threatened by a dude with tattoos of stitches across his face.

"You can start your duties tomorrow," Kakuzu mentioned dryly, snatching his mutt away, much to Charlie's protest. "Oh, no, you don't like that oaf, do you? Soon enough you'll see that he's far below you, Charlie. Right? Yes, that's right, Charlie…"

Hidan sneered, "Is it just my imagination or do you feel threatened because he likes me?"

No answer.

_Woah. That is pretty awesome._

Ha ha…

Eventually, Kakuzu said, "The spare room is over there. You can go ahead and move all of your shit in."

"Oh, so you can say shit but I can't?"

"Shut up."

"Whatever…" Anyway, nobody could stop him of his habit. His mouth was dirty, so what?

That was him. Hate it or love it, he wasn't changing, especially not for this Kakuzu person.

--

His things roughly piled into the bedroom, (wow, it was bigger than the one from his apartment…) Hidan put on an earlier Rise Against album, and prepared himself for his nightly sacrifice to Jashin.

Ten minutes or so into the lovely pain, Kakuzu's footsteps came storming down the stairs and toward his room, the door soon being flung open and his new 'master's' tattooed face angrily glaring at him. "Would you turn that _down?! _The neighbors are going to yell at me! No, no, at _you, _because you have no care about them and their share of sound waves…"

What the fuck? Why did _everyone _have issues with his music?! That just…that just was not _fair. _Didn't _he _have any rights, too…?

Of course, when he saw the knife, Kakuzu was more alarmed by that. "Woah, woah. What the…hell?! Oh, _oh! _You got _blood _on my carpet…?! WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!"

Hidan smiled. "You remember Jashin?"

"You _idiot, _you're gonna die sooner or later from that! How often do you do that?! And, and…my CARPET! You're cleaning that stain in the morning, first thing before you dust and do the laundry and…oh hell, the stain's getting BIGGER…oh hell, how many places are you bleeding?!"

Hidan laughed, loving the chaos. If this continued to be such a kick ass way to get back at him, he was _so _going to extend his sessions.

Mwahaha.

--

Of course, in the morning he didn't clean the stain right away as was the order. Instead, he decided to sleep in. Beauty sleep, you know? Everybody needs it sometimes.

But also of course, when Kakuzu found out about that, he wasn't so happy.

Oh well.

He'd have to get over that now, wouldn't he?


	3. Soundtrack to an Argument

**A/N: **Whee! My computer fixed itself (it was being dumb earlier.), so I can post a new chapter! :D Please review if you like it?

I'm out of ideas for clever disclaimers, so insert your favorite one here. :3

--

Hello Lovely, I Hate You

.x.tHrEe.x.

Hidan's iPod pulsed heavy guitar tiffs into his ears while he finally got around to bleaching out the bloodstain on the carpet. At least the carpet was white, so the bleach wouldn't make it look terribly weird… He tried to ignore the fact that there was still a very noticeable rust-colored blob there. Well, maybe if he put a chair there or something, Kakuzu wouldn't notice. Because dude, if he had to pay for new carpet too, he was so screwed. There had to be a way to pay respects to Jashin without going totally broke, too…

"Are you done yet?!" Kakuzu screeched, coming down the stairs with Charlie bounding at his heels. "The lawn needs mowed…and don't forget the laundry and the dishes. Plus, it wouldn't hurt to clean the bathrooms, either…"

Charlie slammed into Hidan's knee, demanding attention. Since he had nothing against the dog, just stupid Mr. Stitched-Face, he patted his ears. "Whoa, wait one fucking minute. I still have to go to work, you know! I'm not entirely lazy! I _do _have a job outside of your hellhole of tortures…"

All that received from him was a hard glare. (Charlie earned a hurt glance, too. Yeah, yeah. Jealousy…) "That doesn't mean you can slack off on me."

"Dude, you need to chill."

"Don't tell me to chill! My car has a fucking dent in it!"

"Oh, and there you go again with the not letting _me _curse but _you _can thing! Jashin, you are so damn annoying!"

"Dammit! I only said you clogged up your sentences with curse words! Why do you keep harping on it?!"

"Because you're a hypocrite!"

"Look, I don't care if you curse! I take it back!"

"You better! Asshole."

"Oh, fuck you."

"Fuck you too!"

Kakuzu was about to snarl back another response, but Charlie whined, and they both silenced. "Oh, honey, I'm sorry. Come here, I'll stop…we'll both stop. _Right, _Hidan?!" He scooped up his old mutt, staring angry needles at his house guest.

"_Right, _Kakuzu." The Jashinist agreed, but only for Charlie's sake. His voice returning to regular tone, he persisted. "I'm going to work, though. I'll do your damn chores when I get back, okay?"

Hidan plucked up the bucket of bleach and left, soon dumping it down the wash tub in the basement.

_What's his problem?_

Turning on the water, the bleach was washed down the drain. Hidan watched it swirl away, wondering why Kakuzu was so uptight. He'd never met a more uptight person. Probably he only ever talked to that dog deeply, and didn't know how to be a semi-nice person to the rest of the world.

Alright, not that Hidan was really nice to the rest of the world either.

Not really at all…

At least he tried to be. Sometimes. A little. Not often.

Um. Okay.

He'd _thought _about trying.

That counted for something.

Kakuzu probably couldn't say that about himself now, could he? That's right…

"Aw, shit! I'm already late!" Hidan yelped, glancing at the clock staring at him from a shelf. "Ahh. Today is not my day, is it? Jashin, this sucks."

Abandoning the bucket, he dashed back to his room, snatched up a few things, and tripped over Charlie on his way out. "Oh, sorry, doggie…!"

He forgave him with a smile that showed his pink tongue. Kakuzu appeared, looking up from rearranging his wallet. "Leaving already?"

"I told you…it's called I have a job."

"I know what a job is!"

"Which means I've got to go now." He creaked open the door. "see you, fuckface. Oh, and bye bye, Charlie."

The dog yipped farewell, which again struck Kakuzu speechless and wounded.

_Haha. Good boy. _Hidan grinned as he popped a CD in his car's player. Iron Maiden serenaded him as he tore out of the driveway, and he was happy to see that he left behind a few skid marks.

--

The atmosphere was much less stuffy in the record store where he worked with split personality plagued Zatsu. Like it did Hidan, music tended to sooth him, along with watering and tending for the mini Venus flytrap he kept on the cash register.

Dozens of CD cases lined the aisles of the shop, along with a small selection of band merch and several rock magazines. It didn't look like much, but all the customers who came back time and time again understood that it was far better than all of the generic Big Corporate Electronic Stores of the world.

There was a charm to the place, and that was why Hidan didn't quit like he'd quit every other job he'd had. (The employee discount was killer here, too. Which was a nice added bonus.)

Ringing up an Academy Is… album for a high school girl, he explained feverishly how fucked up Kakuzu was.

"Seriously, the man is crazy. He's fucking crazy! It was just a tiny ding in his bumper, and he pounces on me."

"You _are _an idiot, though." Zetsu was in black personality mode. "You weren't paying attention at all? Don't tell me you were praying while driving again."

"Shut up, Zetsu! That was only the one time I did that…"

"You nearly hit a telephone pole."

"Zetsu, I said shut up! Where was I…? Oh yeah. The man is fucking crazy, I swear. Like, he's totally preoccupied with money—oh, that's right. Money!" He remembered the girl, who was snickering about his rant. "Um. Eleven eighty four."

Taking the wrinkled notes from her, he stuffed the CD in a plastic bag and gave it to her before spiritedly jumping back in on his description. "He's holding me hostage so I can 'pay him back'. What the hell?! I'm sure I'm gonna have to do more work than it's worth."

His nicer side took over. "But he is giving you room and board. That's something."

"Well…okay. You do have a point. And he _does _have this dog…his name's Charlie. He's sort of cute."

"You called something cute?" Zetsu switched again. "Treacherous behavior! We've never seen _you _call something _cute _before!"

"Well, it's a dog. It's not like I fucking said _Kakuzu _was cute or some dumb sappy shit like that…"

Zetsu paused a moment, checking to see if he'd really just heard that last part. "Is he?"

"Is he what?"

" ' _Cute_'? "

Hidan snorted. "Hell no! I hate that stupid bastard! Where the fuck did you get that idea?!"

" You seem to have been paying a lot of attention to this Kakuzu…if you hated him so much, wouldn't you just ignore him entirely?"

The Jashinist shook his head in disbelief. "Zetsu, you've lost your head. That's as fucking crazy as Kakuzu is."

"Maybe." He went back again to his white personality. "I'll go on a run to get us lunch. Your usual cheese burger?"

"Yeah, I'm starved. Damn slave driver didn't even give me a chance for some toast this morning. And I assume you're getting your usual double meat patty again?"

Zetsu shook his head, his teeth glinting. "No. Triple meat patty."

"Jashin! You are such a fucking carnivore, dude…"


	4. Surprise, I Guess?

**A/N: **Oh, this chapter was very fun to write, once I finally started. XD Especially the last part. Zetsu in particular…yeah, you get more schizophrenic plant man today! Whoo-hoo! :3 By the way, I fully recommend all of the bands I'm throwing in throughout the series. I'm a music junkie. Heehee. Hope you enjoy! Please review?

Disclaimer no jutsu!

--

Hello Lovely, I Hate You

.x.fOuR.x.

Things in the Happy Kakuzu-Hidan-and-Charlie Wonderland House were neither wonderful nor particularly happy for anyone. They were making a point of torturing each other, and were swiftly learning exactly which buttons to push for different reactions. That is, except for Charlie, who was enjoying every minute of it. After all, he now had two people to tell him he was adorable and throw his Frisbee. The dog was living the good life now.

It could have been worse, yeah. Kakuzu could have had him arrested for reckless driving…instead; Hidan got a nice roof over his head and didn't have to deal with creepy inmates.

He was good at acting tough, but he was afraid he'd be ripped apart in jail. And if he went to jail, he probably wouldn't be allowed to have his music. Without it, he'd go fucking crazy…

There was a solution to Kakuzu's yelling at him to turn it down; the glory of headphones. Of course, the moment Mr. Money Bags left the house, it was switched right back over to blaring speakers and Hidan and Charlie would have a wild dance party.

It was during one of those such wild dance parties that Kakuzu returned back early, and he wasn't so pleased that no work was getting done.

"You freeloader!" he shrieked, promptly thrusting a dish rag and a bottle of soap at the reluctant zealot. "You're a goddamn _freeloader!"_

_"_Jashin-damned." A cherubic smile pasted on his face. Yup. He was getting _good _at button pushing…

"Whatever!"

"And I'm not freeloading. So maybe I don't do all the shit you say to, but Charlie likes me. I take great fucking care of Charlie. Look, he's smiling. I don't see him smile much like that for you, Kuzu…"

Flustered, his green eyes shone with anger. "Don't bring my dog into this!"

"What? Why don't you just ask him who's more fun?"

"Don't you dare!"

"Hey, Charlie—"

"Damn it!"

Hidan laughed, having fun making him miserable. He deserved it, anyway. Taking hostages was against the law, wasn't it? (Even though he was more a willing hostage than an unwilling one. Minor details, minor details.) Certainly it was worse than playing loud tunes, and worse still than rear-ending someone.

So, he was justified.

Why not?

And it was fun. Fun was fun; and naughty, slightly evil fun was even higher on the fun scale…like the very top of the fun scale. The quivering needle couldn't even go high enough to gauge how awesome it was.

Once again, Kakuzu would have to get over it. Hidan knew he was being an asshole, and that was what he was good at being. Really, he wasn't so great at being much anything else. Stick to you guns and do what you enjoy doing, right? Wasn't that a cardinal rule of life?

No way could Hidan ignore the cardinal rules of life. Jashin might damn him or something for ignoring them. So you see, in a very round-about way, Hidan _had _to be an asshole. Get it?

It didn't matter though; because Kakuzu's piercing stare was so thick he was a little worried it might cause him to spontaneously combust from the intensity, so he washed the dishes. Clean enough that you could see your face reflected in them…

Well, not really. The attention span wasn't big enough for that. It was already shot by the time he'd started drying them, and it was a struggle to finish the job.

Nursing a major grudge now, he put on a particularly screamo playlist to punish Kakuzu. Conveniently, he 'forgot' where his headphones were, and jacked up the sound for all to hear. The headphones obediently stayed hidden under his bed. Charlie curled up next to Hidan and somehow fell asleep through the noise.

Aw.

That was cute.

As a rule, he never called things cute, especially after Zetsu's stupid comment last week. But, Charlie still continued to deserve the title, because…because he was Charlie. Charlie _owned. _

About that thing Zetsu had said, though…how stupid. Why would he even think that? Kakuzu was a fucking jerk. Maybe he was semi-yummy on the outside, but he was a selfish bastard. There was nothing cute about that.

He and Hidan simply didn't _match. _They didn't mesh together at all. They lived to make each other's lives hell, not to fill them up with fluffy moments and kisses and shit.

Zetsu had probably not taken his meds that morning. When it slipped from both of his minds to take them, he usually got to saying weirder things than the norm. Even the things he _did _normally say were weird, so that gives a judge of how bad they could get…

Haha. Wow.

A different track slid in, and Hidan whispered the words as he petted Charlie. His little paws stirred. Growling quietly, he chased after imaginary alley cats in his dreams.

"Go get 'em, boy."

That dog was all that Hidan and Kakuzu seemed to have as a bond.

Yet.

--

Having spent the whole night reading comic books, Hidan was pretty much exhausted when he rolled in to work in the morning. He was a dead husk standing behind the counter.

Actually, he wasn't really standing up by himself; it was more like the counter was holding him up. More sleep-deprived than he'd been in a long while, Hidan was feeling like a glob of boneless skin. A splotch. A melting ice cream cone. Feeling how that Pokémon Muk looked.

Yeah, you get the picture.

He was fucking tired.

"Are you hung over?" Zetsu's black side speculated, sneaking up behind him.

"Huh…? No!"

The white side supported him. "Yes, he's not the type to get _that _hung over." He shook his head, disagreeing with himself already. "Nope. I think he's hung over."

"I'm not hung over!"

"Yes you are. …No, really he's not. Look, he has dark circles under his eyes and he's yawning. That's sleepy, not hung over. …Well, maybe he's sleepy because he was out drinking all night. …No, no, I don't think so, actually."

"Hey, you can stop that, okay?" Wiping his sore eyes, Hidan shushed the two halves. "Although, living in that place _could _make someone spend the night in a bar…"

"…See? …He said _could. _That doesn't mean he _was_. …Damn. …Heh. I win."

"Hey! I said you could stop that!"

"Ah. Right." Zetsu collected himself and changed into protective friend mode. "So it's really that awful, hm?"

Hidan groaned in response.

"Ah. We see, we see. Sorry."

"Yeah."

"Hmm…oh, hello. Is there anything we can help you find?" The bell on the door tinkled as it opened, and Zetsu turned his attention to the customer.

Hidan busied himself with putting a new roll of receipt paper into the machine. _Blah. And when I get off from here, I know I won't be able to crash into bed like I want. He'll just fucking force me into…I don't know, steam cleaning all the damn carpets, or something like that. And then—_

"Hang on. Let us ask him. Hey, Hida-kun, do we have the first My Chem record?"

When he looked up to see who the person was, he instantly woke up as well.

_Woah._

"No! No fucking way!"

"_You _work _here?!"_

Zetsu blinked his glowing eyes. "Do you two know each other?"

"I wish we fucking didn't!" Hidan stared at a very startled Kakuzu. What the _hell? _What, was he hunting him down everywhere he went to ruin his entire life?! Couldn't Hidan have one moment free of him…?!

On the other hand, why was he looking for a CD too? Oh, well that was just great. Kakuzu like the same sort of things Hidan did? So all of the assumed gleeful torture wasn't actually torture. Great. Just great. He wasn't lying when he said he didn't want the neighbors to come yell at him. That was the only reason to turn it down. Damn it! He _liked _it… Damn it!

Since they were both in motionless shock, Zetsu took the golden opportunity to study this Kakuzu character. He wasn't wearing the mask today, so perhaps he had listened at least a _little _to things Hidan had told him…

"We think," Zetsu began, "we approve."

"What does he mean, approve?" Kakuzu asked. "And why does he always say 'we'?!"

"Um…the we thing, that's just…him. And, um." Hidan shot a glare at his friend. "If by that last part he means what I think he means, I am going to fucking shoot him."

Zetsu smiled. "It's obvious, yes. We see it. Even if you don't think so yet, it's inevitable…and we approve of it."

"What the hell is he talking about?!"

Nodding to himself, he began another conversation between personalities. "For once, we agree on something. …Remarkable, isn't it?! …Yes. Ah, I can't wait to see this unfold. …They're perfect! …So very perfect! …Ah, it is, it is. …Love works in such strange ways. …But there's no way around it! …Love will happen, yes!"

"I'm going to shoot you. Both of you." Hidan concluded.

"Not if I shoot them first!"

"Heehee." Zetsu chuckled, and disappeared into the aisles, emerging with a shiny CD case. "Look, we found what you were looking for! Paper or plastic?"


	5. Trouble In NotParadise

**A/N: **My computer went mental again, but for now it's better. So if I disappear, that's why… That won't stop me writing, though. :3 It's okay though right now, so yeah. Five is here! I hope you like it. Please review?

Attack of the Disclaimer, coming soon to a theatre near you…!

--

Hello Lovely, I Hate You

.x.fIvE.x.

If Hidan had had a hatchet with him, he probably would have promptly hacked off Zetsu's assuming head. That would have been so very handy. Unfortunately, he wasn't carrying a hatchet that day. What a pity…

Kakuzu had left after that, clutching his CD like it was a security blanket. Yeah, he seemed pretty scarred for life. Zetsu did have the ability to do that to people, even when he wasn't being a total idiot. And damn, that day he was at the peak of stupid ideas. Jashin…

For the record, Hidan was not into Kakuzu. He wasn't his type. Well...he _was _his type as far as having an adorable mutt, being fucking hot to look at, and, as he'd newly discovered, liking music, but… That was only three things. Three things meant nothing.

Nothing.

End of story.

So shut up.

Shutting up was the plan, but it was nagging on him. The Jashinist couldn't have Money Whore thinking that he'd been talking to Zetsu about how much he _loved _him. If he thought that, things could be very bad. Because, duh, it wasn't true, and also Hidan didn't want to be kicked out of the house. As much as that house sucked, it was better than his car. By now, his asshole of a former landlord had probably blabbed to all of the others what a bad tenant he was, and he'd never be able to get an apartment again.

So, when Hidan returned home, he sought out Kakuzu right away to sort it out. Had Kakuzu taught him one thing, it was that leaving messes uncleaned was not good. Damn, he was starting to rub off on him…

"Hey, dumbfuck!"

"My, my. You're cheery, aren't you?"

He scowled, dumping his car keys into his room before joining Kakuzu in the kitchen. "Sure, whatever. Look, erase everything my friend said today from your memory. He's not exactly all together in the head, so…"

"Mm. Thanks for reminding me." He moaned, grimacing. "I'd almost forgotten already. But now I'm afraid you've re-burned that hideous image into my head…dear god, I hate you."  
"Good. I hate you, too."

"Honestly, why would he say that?"

"That's exactly what I asked him. Believe me." Hidan sighed, playing with his Jashinist necklace. Winding it around his fingers, he glanced up. "You believe me, right?"

Kakuzu's piercing green eyes narrowed. "Do I have any reason not to? No. I must say though, you have quite an odd taste in friends…"

"Ha. Yeah. Zetsu is…a trial, actually. But he's better than nothing. Definitely better than you. Maybe not better than Charlie, though…oh. Where is Charlie, anyway? He didn't come running to greet me…"

That was strange. The dog always bounded up welcoming him the exact second he opened the front door. Where was he? He wasn't sitting with Kakuzu and he wasn't at Hidan's heels, so…

That was very strange.

Kakuzu set down his crossword puzzle, realizing Charlie's absence too. With him not there, the room felt so bare…empty. "Charlie?" He called, getting up. Walking into the living room, he flipped on the light switch. "Charlie, are you in here?"

"There he is." Hidan pointed him out, wedged between two pillows on the couch. Slightly opening one eye, he saw them but didn't get up. Instead, he let out a giant sigh, closed his eyes again, and shuddered as he curled up tighter.

Hidan scrutinized him, wondering. Had he ever acted like that before? No, not that he'd ever seen. "Um. Is he okay?"

Kakuzu's voice was somewhat hesitant when he answered, "I guess he's just…tired. In the morning I'm sure he should be fine."

As Hidan watched his eyes soften, he could tell that no, he wasn't sure at all. Charlie wasn't himself. Feeling insecure, Hidan retreated to go dust without being told. The way Kakuzu sat down next to his dog and petted him made the zealot feel a little charitable.

_Just this once, _he told himself. _When Charlie is bouncing around and wagging his tail and smiling so widely that his tongue falls out of his mouth again, I'll go right back to being a wonderful, insufferable ass again. I promise._

Dusting around fragile objects, he even decided to be careful not to break anything. Generally, he wouldn't care if he shattered everything in sight, but today he decided to make an exception.

For Charlie's sake.

--

Come morning, no one came to shower him with slobbery dog kisses. No happy, wiggly dog butt was waiting for him to emerge from his bedroom.

That was worrisome.

Clutching his mug of steaming black coffee, Hidan joined Kakuzu at the table. That tattooed man remarked, "You're up early, aren't you? Usually you're so lazy…"

"I wanted to know how Charlie was. Is that so wrong?"

This news almost seemed to startle him, like he was surprised to learn Hidan really did care for the mutt. "Charlie?"

"Yeah, how many more fucking times do I need to ask?! Is he better or not?"

Kakuzu glanced toward the living room anxiously. "He hasn't moved much since last night."

Shit. "Is he sick?"

"He was coughing some…"

Double shit. "Oh."

"I'll go check on him." He shoved his chair out and strode (too briskly) into the living room. Damn, his posture was straighter than it usually was. He was trying to act like nothing was bothering him.

_Kakuzu, stop being an idiot. You're allowed to be worried about your fucking dog. You don't have to fucking put on a tough show for me._

Acting impenetrable was not going to make Hidan see him as impenetrable. All acting that way was proving was that he wasn't, and that Charlie did mean something to him. More than his Jashin-damned wallet, maybe.

It really wasn't fair at all. On one end of things, Kakuzu was the caring master of a tiny mongrel, and even though he himself didn't look at all like that kind of person. Then, on the other side, he was a bossy, sour miser. The fucking miser part showed through way more than the nice one.

Peering around the corner, Hidan quietly spied on them. Sitting nicely, minding his own business, and being a good boy was never one of his strong suits. They were together on the couch cushion, with Kakuzu looking down protectively at Charlie, his hand rested gently on his furry head. Charlie's black button eyes were tired, but they glanced back into Kakuzu's . There was trust between them, and Hidan could see it plainly. Those two trusted each other…

After a moment, Charlie raised his head some to lick his master's hand. Kakuzu smiled.

Oh. Hidan hadn't seen a full smile on his tan face before then. As striking as it was, Hidan had to retreat into his room. Not he felt like he was seeing something he wasn't supposed to. Kakuzu smiling? That just didn't happen. And if it did, he had no business watching. Watching would only add to the reasons to like him. He couldn't give Zetsu that satisfaction.

--

Hidan was really baffled by what had happened. Charlie trusted Kakuzu more than only as someone to feed him every day. Maybe he should have figured that out by the way Kakuzu baby talked him, but…still. He thought about it as he wiped down the counter at work.

Charlie was not a stupid creature by any means, but the though of trusting someone like Money Whore seemed revolting. How did Charlie put up with him? Seriously! Yeah, he was a dog, so he couldn't be bossed around that much, but…still.

But still.

What else was there to say?

Money Whore was a money whore, and…and that was all. It was all he possibly could be. Surely the part about loving a dog was a fluke. Only a fluke. It was the single, solitary bit of his personality that was admirable.

Hidan wasn't stupid either. He knew how to read people. Hidan knew how to survive, and it was by staying as far away from untrustworthy people and praying to Jashin. The praying to Jashin part was obviously being well-obeyed, and the avoiding untrustworthy people…had been. It was. Only now, Charlie was sort of confusing him as to exactly _who _to ignore.

Yes.

The person in question was in fact Mr. Dear Kakuzu Money Whore Slave Driver Explicit Explicit Four Letter Word Holding Him Captive Meanie Face.

Yes.

Him.

Charlie was not stupid. Hidan knew that. He was sort of sickly at the moment, but that didn't impact his intelligence in any way. So why would he share that look, that bond, with _him?_

None of it made much sense.

Why the hell did Kakuzu have to be so fucking…

What was he? A weirdo.

Jashin, that didn't help much.

Life was much easier when it was being told through a song. Hidan could understand songs. Sometimes he wrote them, just because, and they made things less fuzzy. He preferred to listen to songs rather than write them, but they helped… Last night, he'd tried to write one, but he couldn't find where to start.

Where was he living now? Not only a house. Where was it? Where were his thoughts going to? He'd lost track. All the fumes from the cleaning supplies must have been screwing with his brain.

_I just hope whatever it is between Charlie and him makes Charlie better. That's all. Afterward, Kakuzu can go shove it again. Jashin, that guy pisses me off so bad…_

Because Hidan simply couldn't tell about him.

Reality broke through again when Zetsu tossed a plastic bag at his head. Today his black side was having fun being in charge. "Oi, we can't do everything around here. You need to go check the new shipment, we told you ten minutes ago! Oh, were you thinking about Kuzu-chan? Hee hee. Kuzu-chan. We miss him; when is he coming back? Were you thinking about him, Hidan? We miss him, you know. Is he coming back?"

"Shut up," Hidan pouted, slouching off to price the new arrivals.

But he didn't tell Zetsu no.


	6. Face First on a Guilt Trip

**A/N: **So much for keeping up with my update schedule. xD Ugh. Somebody shoot me. Thank you so much to Abby-0-Abby for making me write! :3 Everybody needs to go give her cookies. She motivated me. x3 Next chapter I'll be better! Promise. :D

Look, up in the sky. It's a bird….! It's a plane….! No, it's…A DISCLAIMER!

--

Hello Lovely, I Hate You

.x.sIx.x.

Kuzu-chan. Kuzu-chan, Zetsu had called him…why did that have to be so catchy?! Coming up with a catchy name like that wasn't playing fair, damn it. Not that it was stuck in his head like an overused song, it was bound to come out of his mouth sooner or later.

"Hey, you lazy louse!"

He tossed a sour look out from behind the magazine he was leafing through. "What do you want now, you fucking…motherfucker?!"

"I swear, you are the single most uncreative person I have ever met. You can't even come up with a halfway decent insult…"

Hidan bristled, tightening his grip on the magazine. Better it than a certain bothersome someone's throat. "Shut up, okay? Tell me what you're interrupting my perfectly nice day for now."

"It's called I told you fifteen minutes ago to wash the dishes, which you didn't do, so I gave in and washed them myself…but you are _so _not getting out of drying them."

"Oh really?" Hidan sneered, pleased with himself. "You called for me?"

When Kakuzu curled his fingers into an annoyed fist, it only made for better fun. "Yes. In fact I did…_several _times…are you _deaf?"_

The Jashinist tried on his best innocent Bambi eyes. "Selective hearing, Kuzu-chan."

He sputtered, "What did you fucking call me?!"

Ahh.

_Zetsu, you ass! You and your stupid catchy nickname…! _Urgh, it was more of a pet name than a nickname, which really sounded incriminating as far as the secretly being in love with him trash. Hidan swallowed. Well, he'd said it pretty clearly. Acting like he hadn't would only make it look worse and get Kakuzu madder. "I called you Kuzu-chan."

"Ah. Ah…!" He choked, practically beside himself. "You…you know what?! I have nothing further to say to you! You can go now!"

Hidan blinked. "What? Go?"

"Yes! Get out! Out before I strangle you!" On his way out of the room, he slammed the door hard enough to rattle the frame.

Hidan was left to sit on the bed, confused. _But…but…what exactly did I do now…? _The magazine fell limply from his hands as he cocked his head. _'The hell…? Hang on, hang on. Did he just evict me…?_

Jashin. Everybody was evicting him.

One problem, though.

He couldn't get evicted from here, because there was nowhere else he had to go to.

Literally.

And maybe Zetsu was rubbing off on him, but he almost didn't want to go from here. It wasn't honestly as bad as he put it out to be… Inching the door open, he called, "Ka…Kakuzu? I'll dry them… I'll dry the dishes, okay…?

…_Kuzu?_

"Not so loud." He hissed from the living room, sitting with Charlie. The dog wasn't much better…he looked like a deflated balloon lying there.

"Oh. Sorry…" Hidan's voice trailed off. "Erm. I'm going to go dry those dishes now…?"

"Don't you think you can redeem yourself."

Not the greatest answer he could have gotten. At all. He slunk into the kitchen and pulled a rag off of the bar on the stove door. There was no better path to a guilt trip than to remember about how poor Charlie was. Here Hidan kept acting like an idiot while Kakuzu was worried sick. Worried _miserable…_

_Fuck, _he thought, biting down on his lip and smashing the green towel into a ball. _I hate myself. This is why I have practically no friends. This is why I don't have a boyfriend. This is why nobody could ever love me. This is why._

He rubbed his eyes, which were suddenly sore. Abandoning the rag on the counter, he leaned against a cabinet and slid his iPod from his pocket. Maybe if he played it loud enough to go truly deaf to the world, he could go deaf to the fucked up thoughts in his head, too.

So loud that he'd go deaf. Deaf and not have to deal with any of this anymore. As he absently picked at an old scab on his wrist, the first random song flooded in.

Mindless Self Indlugence.

No way.

What was the chance it would choose to play the same band he was listening to when he first met Kakuzu? His stomach sank, feeling awful. Jashin wasn't thinking nicely of him today, was he? He wouldn't let him let it go…he was being punished to sit in his little guilty corner, with Kuzu on his mind at all times.

Damn it.

Damn it.

Damn it!

Why?

Why did he have to have this? But then again, why did Kakuzu have to have _him _around? Hidan was a curse of a thing to have lying around. He knew that.

The scab was off now, and specks of his blood seeped up from his skin. He loved this song, though. Just because it reminded him of a day that was decidedly not the best one of his life didn't mean that he'd never listen to it again.

Just because Kakuzu wasn't his favourite person didn't mean he'd never see him again.

Now, here he was actually hoping that was true, and that he_ would_ see him again…because this house was his now. It was almost a home.

Almost.

A dysfunctional one, but it felt right, somehow, to be living here. Even with the constant tension in the air between them, it felt like it was where he was supposed to be.

"So I guess that means I should dry these…" He muttered glumly, wiping up the water that clung to a bowl.

"Hidan?"

He almost dropped the bowl. "Kakuzu."

"Don't you mean Kuzu-chan?" He said dryly, "Mr. Smart-Ass…?"

"Um. About that…"

"I don't care to hear whatever pathetic explanation it is you have."

"It's not pathetic! Not everything that I say is pathetic!" Hidan pouted, switching to defensive mode. So much for feeling sorry. Now he recalled why he hated this Money Whore Tattooed Cheater Jailer Fucking Motherfucker Which Was Not As Bad An Insult As He Said It Was, Jashin Damn It.

And if he started to get on him for using too many run-on sentences like he did about his cursing, he'd pull off his head.

"Just your voice makes me want to puke… I have no idea why you like to hear it so much. But still, I wanted to say that I changed my mind…you can stay, I guess. Since you're cheaper than hiring a maid and all."

"What?!" He gasped, this time really dropping the bowl. _Fucking _hypocrite! _He puts me through all that shit and worrying and…! And I can fucking _stay _here?! _"I'm gonna feed you to Zetsu's pet Venus flytrap, you son of a bitch!!"

He glanced disdainfully at the shattered pieces. "Sure. You go ahead and do that; I don't care, but not until after you get rid of this mess. Charlie could step on it and start bleeding, and then I would have to feed _you _to Zetsu's pet Venus flytrap. You are under no circumstances to convert my dog to Jashinism."

Damn his uncaring attitude. Damn it to Hell…!

The telephone rang just as _Kuzu-chan _(He deserved it!) left to sit with Charlie again. Brooding, Hidan swiped it up. "Hello?! Who is this?! It better be important!"

An evil smile slowly split his face as he listened to the other end. Oh, yelling at a telemarketer always made his day.

"Let me fucking tell you what you should do with that once-in-a-lifetime offer…"


	7. Kill the Matchmaker

**A/N: **I'm much more satisfied with this chapter. :3 Yup yup. And it has lots of Zetsu! :D Haha, I love Zetsu. Does anyone know if they make Zetsu plushies…? oO I know they have like Deidara or Shikamaru, but I've never seen a cannibalistic Oreo plant one… I would love a cannibalistic Oreo plant plushie. xD Lawlz.

Enjoy, and thank you so much for reading! Reviews…? x3 -huggles-

I don't own Naruto. Charlie does. He bought it from Kishi. Because Charlie is kewl like that.

--

.x.sEvEn.x.

As far as old sayings went, the one that best suited Hidan was "Music soothes the savage beast". Obviously. The change in his demeanor was clearly visible from the first note. If it weren't for all of the music he hoarded, Hidan would have been quite a lot worse off than he already was. Probably either dead or in a psyche ward. Maybe even jail, if he snapped on someone with that anger management problem he had. Back in high school, it wasn't always verbal fights he got into.

He'd changed, though. He'd found music and Jashin. In the almighty words of Green Day, 'It's not over till you're underground.'. Hidan believed that. And he was going to give the world hell before he let it take him under.

--

Zetsu was pampering the Venus flytrap he kept on the cash register when Hidan came in. "You're so pretty. Yes, you're very pretty. …I think he's happier when I talk to him. …No, you idiot! He likes me most. …Liar! …Don't call me a liar, you—oh. Hi. …Hidan! How's Kuzu-chan?"

Hidan flashed a don't-even-ask look. "This display is falling over. Stop bickering about your damn plant and help me fix it."

"…Are you in a bad mood? We're sorry."

"No you're not. You love every minute of it." He pushed on the display, straightening it. Today he just wanted to focus on work…

"…That is true. You're right. It's hilarious, frankly. …Now, now! Be nice. He's in a bad mood."

Groaning under his breath, he slouched back over to the counter. "And I'm not in a bad mood! This is how I always act. Jashin. Not that you're helping any."

"…Ooh. He is in a bad mood. …I told you so."

"Would you please shut the hell up?!"

Zetsu sighed. "Yes you are. The only reason you would say you aren't is if you were."

"That makes no fucking sense."

"What can we say? …You don't make any sense either." He flipped the shop's sign to open and took his place by the register.

"Whatever."

"…Well," Zetsu's nicer side said brightly, "We do have something that might cheer you up! …Nothing ever cheers him up. …Oh, shush. Remember what our therapist said? …'Act positively'. Yeah, yeah. She doesn't know anything. She doesn't spend every waking moment cooped up with such a damn optimist like you. …Fine, be that way. So, Hidan!"

Oh, so he was back to focusing on him now. That was the one thing about Zetsu; you had to wait a while to get back into the conversation yourself. "Yeah?"

"Are you doing anything Tuesday night…?"

"Okay, seriously. If you've put me on some online dating service again, I'm gonna—"

"No, no, of course not! …The only reason we'd do that again would be to prove the only person you're compatible with is Kuzu-chan. …Ooh la la. Not a bad idea. …I know. I'm brilliant. …But anyway, you're free that night?"

There was a scheme. There had to be a scheme somewhere. With Zetsu, there was _always _a scheme somewhere. "I'm open."

A near-carnivorous grin exploded on Zetsu's face. "…Goodie." Out of his pocket, he fished a pair of tickets.

UWAH.

_OH MY JASHIN, CONCERT TICKETS._

It didn't matter what they were for, concert tickets were always irresistible for Hidan. (Even when Zetsu had an agenda.) He whisked them out of his hands, breathing in their lovely ticket-smell. Sighing happily, he read them. "My Chemical Romance? Dude, their live show is amazing. Mosh pit, here we come…!"

"Actually," Zetsu started, "Just here _you _come."

"What? Why? But there's two…"

Aw, shit. Here comes the agenda.

"…We have to go to a gardening expo." White Zetsu explained, "Of course, you can still go to the show. …Maybe you'll invite someone?"

"Have both of you forgotten that I have no friends?" Hidan whined, "No friends, period. Except for you. You, who are abandoning me for a motherfucking _gardening expo!"_

"Sorry," Zetsu shrugged, "But you know, it would be such a _shame _to miss such an _amazing _show, as you say…"

"Yeah, but I don't want to go by myself."

Nice Zetsu chimed in, "…But we do know someone who would almost certainly go with you, Hidan! …And we're pretty sure you know him too."

He shifted nervously. The hidden agenda, the hidden agenda… "And who's that?"

Smiling sweetly, the two personalities said in unison, "Kakuzu!"

Cha-ching. You've won one all-expenses-paid hidden agenda. Surprise, surprise. Surprise of the fucking century. "Kakuzu?! Why would I take him?! Why would he _want _to go?! With me especially?!"

"…You would take him because you want to go no matter what the company is. …And Kuzu-chan, as we know from what _you've _told us, would want to go himself because it's a free ticket. And he likes the band, anyway."

He blinked. Damn it, they were free tickets. That would be really enticing for old money-whore. Jashin damn it, and that's right… The day he'd stumbled into the store by accident, he'd been looking for the first MCR record. "Fuck! Fuck, fuck…!" Hidan swore, flabbergasted.

Zetsu was too good at this.

Just too good at this… He looked down at the pretty pair of tickets clutched in his hand.

"…Just think about it, okay?" Zetsu nodded, knowing his mission was completed.

--

A good mosh pit was a sight to behold. A sight even worthy of Jashin, in some cases. Hidan had experienced many, and he was seldom disappointed. The adrenaline, the unity…

"Ahhh, it's too tempting!" He groaned, pounding his head against the wall. Back home now, he sat on his bed with the tickets lain out at his feet. He squeezed his eyes shut and opened them once. "Okay. Okay, let's make a list. Pros and cons and all that shit. Then maybe I can talk myself out of it…right?"

The pros.

Mosh pit.

Concert.

Free tickets.

Great band.

Mosh pit.

(Yes, the mosh pit counted as two. Hidan loved them with a passion…)

And as for the cons half of the list.

…

…

…It involved asking _Kakuzu, _fuck damn it!

The Jashinist groaned again. Honestly, Zetsu had out done himself this time. He was such a glutton… And not just speaking about food. He loved to watch Hidan suffer. _Loved _it. He wasn't much off from Kakuzu in that department.

Because Hidan absolutely refused to see that Zetsu was doing this for his own good this time. Perhaps he did know somewhere inside of himself, but when Hidan refused something, he flat out _refused _it.

But dude.

Those pristine tickets were staring at him with eyes more soul-penetrating than Charlie's… (If they had eyes. But it really felt like they did.)

Staring.

Staring, staring…

So. There was a huge pile of pros, and only one con…? "Fuck it," he muttered, swiping the crisp tickets so they'd stop staring, and rushed down the stairs to take the living room by storm. "Yo, Kakuzu!"

Slowly closing the book he'd been skimming, the dark haired man raised an eyebrow. By now, he was used to Hidan's loud announcements. Scolding him to tone it down was a lost cause. "And…?"

"Saturday! You're coming with me! Got it? Good!" He scrambled, appalled that he was actually saying it. Yuck, he never wanted to say that again…

"Whoa, slow down. I hardly heard a thing you said. You think I'm going somewhere with _you…?"_

His nose wrinkled. Jerk. "Yeah, you are." He held up the orange and white tickets. "My Chem. And don't start bitching about the price, it's free. I'll even pay for the parking too… I just need somebody to go with me. Obviously you're my last resort, so…" (Ha. Make that only resort.)

Kakuzu blinked, interested. "My Chem? Free…?"

Hidan grimaced. "Yeah." Oh, Jashin. Was he really doing this…? Inviting his nemesis on something that could easily fall into the definition of a date…?

He was.

Oh, he was.

And he wanted him to say yes.

He wanted him to say _yes…_

_Zetsu, I hate you. Zetsu, you're putting bad thoughts in my head… _Hidan could feel himself blushing as Kakuzu regarded the two tickets. Money-whore was hot… Very hot, and Hidan _had _noticed it since the first look, even though it was an angry look. Apparently so had Zetsu, and Zetsu was as straight as could be… (Closet porn addict. Hidan wished he'd never found that out. Eep.)

When Kakuzu finished reading them and look back up, Hidan caught himself and corrected his demeanor. "You take ages."

"I'll go. It is free, after all… So I'll go."

And Jashin damn him for it, but those few words made him feel excited.

Not only for the sake of the music and the mosh pit, either.

For something entirely beside the point, out of the question, something nobody ever should've had to deal with.

For Kakuzu's company.

_I am so going to Hell for this…_


	8. Artificial Sweetener Is For Cowards

**A/N: **This chapter happened by accident. xD I got an idea and went with it, and I like eet. :3 Very much, actually. It's pretty much a product of me loving Shippudden episode 79 way too much. xDD Whoever is writing the scripts lately is AWESOME. Uwah. Proof that KakuHida exists: "You know what, Kakuzu? Go eat a dick." -fangirl squee- LEMONS. Ahaha…

I don't own Naruto.

--

Hello Lovely, I Hate You

.x.eIgHt.x.

Hidan was craving cupcakes, which was a very unmanly thing to be craving. He'd tried to distract himself by reading manga, but sitting still only intensified it. "Damn it." He moaned, slamming shut D. Gray-Man. It wasn't _fair. _Before Mr. Ex Bastard Landlord had sent him out, he could have no problems satisfying the cupcake urge, but here there was a big problem and its name was Kakuzu.

Oh, now that was a surprise. Kakuzu being a problem…? No. Fucking. _Way._

Kakuzu wasn't exactly the type of person to leave stray cupcake mix lying around. Nor, probably, was he the type of person to eat one. He'd probably scoff and declare them a waste of money. Not that he had any pain wasting Zetsu's money. Hell no. That hypocrite had snatched up the free tickets at the first opportunity… Although, Hidan really couldn't blame him for that.

Glancing over to where a sleepy Charlie lay on a warm blanket, he sighed. He was feeling a little better than earlier; and at least he was moving around in the house. That dog sure knew how to appreciate a good nap.

But watching Charlie dream about chasing squirrels in his sleep did nothing to evaporate the cupcake predicament. Without even going downstairs to check, he knew that there wouldn't be anything to eat. Kakuzu was all into healthy crap and soy chips. So, Hidan reluctantly rose and groped for his wallet. He hated going to the store, because loads of creepy high school girls always started stalking him around the place, and usually one or two toddlers would stare at the scars on his arms from his rituals and ask their mothers what was wrong with him. It was all quite an unnerving experience, grocery shopping was. He wished he could just sacrifice them all to Jashin and make them stop bugging him.

But that would be illegal, of course. Damn. "I guess I'll have to suffer through it…"

--

"Holy shit. What is going on in here?!"

Hidan froze, spatula in his hand and makeshift apron over his clothes. A messy bowl of batter was on the counter, delicate cupcake-making process underway, and it was decidedly a side of him he did not want _Kuzu-chan _to be seeing. "Oh. Um. Kakuzu! You're home early…?"

The dark haired man stared in disbelief. "Are you _baking?! _God, you look like a bloody housewife, you know."

"Jashin, you mean." Hidan corrected him, pouring some of the batter into the mold he'd bought. There'd been even more scary girls following him and hitting on him than normal. Apparently they must have liked the fact that he was buying all of that stuff. It was Kakuzu's fucking fault for not having any of it. Rawr.

"Fine, Jashin, whatever. But you look ridiculous. What the hell are you doing?"

He rolled his eyes and sighed. "What does it look like I'm doing? Yeah, I'm baking. Got a problem with it?"

Kakuzu wrinkled his nose. "Sweets are horrible for you."

Oh, there he started on his health food tirade. "Sure…"

"No, really. My heart has the strength of five hearts because I don't eat all of that junk like you do."

"Yeah, and you'll probably live to be ninety seven, won't you?" Hidan scoffed, not believing a word of it. "And I'm sure that if I live here much longer I'll end up totally immortal after a while." Jashin, now that was a more ridiculous notion than Hidan being a housewife. "But seriously, one fucking cupcake isn't going to make you keel over. I promise. Seriously."

Kakuzu wasn't amused. "It will clog your arteries. And I'm not taking you to the hospital."

"Jashin will watch over me. I'm not going to die." Shoving the filled up molds into the oven , he returned to the spatula and took a long lick from the leftover batter that clung to it, just for Kakuzu's benefit. "Mm. Yummy. Come on, it's a crime not to have some."

There was a pained expression on his tan face. He started to open his mouth to say something, but decided against it and retreated into the living room, flicking on the television. Hidan scrutinized him, wondering what his deal was. "Pansy."

When it came time to frost the delectable sweets, he got a considerable amount more frosting on the counter than on the actual cupcakes. Alas. Well, whatever. This kitchen was way too clean anyway. It needed to look like someone lived there. Hidan's room was really the only place that truly looked occupied in the whole house... With the cupcakes finished, he brought a tray of them into the living room and plopped down across from Kakuzu to taunt him. Crooning over a tender bite, Hidan mentioned, "It's so delicious, Kuzu. Have one."

Kakuzu eyed the cupcake with an expression Hidan thought might have been teetering on the edge of being longing, but he stood firm. "Don't call me Kuzu."

"Eh. Fine, fuck dammit. I'll call you plain old boring Kakuzu. But seriously, you have to have one. _Have. To. Have. One."_

He shifted uneasily; grasping the arm of the couch like it was the only safe thing in the room. "No."

Hidan sighed again, licking his thumb. "Dude. We're all gonna die eventually anyway." _Well, I hope so… _"How about we convert you right now to Jashinism so that when eating this delicate, mouth-watering, _delicious _cupcake kills you, you'll be taken care of as far as after life goes. Okay? All expenses paid…?"

All he got in return was a death stare. "You are not converting me."

"Awh." _You'll regret it when you finally kick the bucket…seriously. _"Just eat one. One, that's all. Then I'll shut up, because I know that's what you want me to do."

"You'll shut up?"

"Is that such an unthinkable idea?!" Hidan snapped.

"Yes." Kakuzu answered in all sincerity. "Is _that _such an unthinkable idea…?"

Eh.

No, it really wasn't.

Damn.

"You're a jerk," Hidan pouted, annoyed that Kakuzu had made a valid point. "But yes, I'll fucking shut up! So you'll have one now?"

""You are such a whiny brat," He groaned wearily. "Sure. If it's the only way to get some quiet…"

"Yes! You've seen the light, you've seen the motherfucking li—" He was silenced by another death glare. "Oh. Right. Sorry. I forgot. Right, I'm shutting up now. I swear…"

"Thank you." Kakuzu said dryly, reluctantly selecting one of the smallest cakes from the tray. As much as he was trying to play up how much he hated doing this, Hidan could tell he really didn't mind eating it. So as it were, once again Hidan didn't seem to be the only one pretending. Interesting, he thought. Very interesting.

He watched Kakuzu take a bite, watched him chew slowly, watched him swallow. That miser was damn sexy. There was no way around it. Jashin, that was hot. Seriously. _I want a bite too… _His mind was starting to wander. A smear of chocolate frosting was stuck next to Kakuzu's lip, and it was looking extremely yummy. Undeniably yummy, especially since it was on Kakuzu. Of course, Hidan knew that Kakuzu wouldn't want to appear messy with frosting on his lip. Messiness was something he was constantly scolding Hidan for. The albino would have eagerly told him of the problem, but since he had been forbidden to speak, well… Hidan could only think of one way to get rid of it for him.

And yes, it was probably considered to be a slightly naughty way. But hey, he was mute. What else was he supposed to do…? Exactly. Nobody could have resisted leaning over and licking it off personally.

Then again, Hidan had never been too good with temptation, either.

Apparently, Kakuzu didn't quite understand why Hidan was suddenly leaning over with his tongue precariously close to his lip. "…'The _hell…?!" _He scrambled quickly away, gasping as he thrust his half-eaten cupcake back into Hidan's hands. "What the _hell _was that about?!" He sputtered, hurriedly wiping his mouth.

The frosting melted on Hidan's tongue. So fucking yummy. He grinned. "You told me I couldn't talk. Remember, Kuzu-chan?"

His face flushed. "Do not call me that. Now what was _that…?!"_

Hidan hadn't seen Kakuzu being flustered before. It was like the epitome of unapproachable-bastard-turned-sensitive-guy. Of course, somehow Hidan got the feeling that Kakuzu was more of the bondage type. Jashin damn it, if he ever did manage to get Mr. Miser anywhere _near _bed, he was pretty sure he'd end up as uke. Shit.

Whoa, was that a smutty fantasy he was imagining…? Shit shit shit, was that a school boy crush coming on…? Shit! _Zetsu, I will kill you. This time I swear I will kill you. Kill you! _Ah, damn. But Kakuzu was _hawt. _And this was not exactly the first time he'd noticed. Oh, how many fucking times had he noticed and went on to realize that there were other times still? He'd been noticing since the first time he took off that stupid mask.

Well, it had been a while since he'd had had a pointless school boy crush on anyone. He was probably due. Kakuzu was actually starting to set off his gaydar, too. The way he was being all jumpy now made him think that maybe the tan man was in the middle of a self-denial period…

_Gah, hang on, would you, Hidan? Don't get too wrapped up in anything. Zetsu's putting those ideas in your head. Jashin, you're such an idiot. Just because he's hot does _not _mean you're interested… Fuck. I am interested. And he's yummy, and it wasn't only the frosting talking. So, to hell with restrictions! I don't care. If I can have a bite, I'll bite. If not, then…eh. Then, no bite. _"You had icing on your face." Hidan shrugged it off like it was no big deal. Which it wasn't… Hidan never had a problem with being bold.

"And who…who told you that you could…do that…?" Ha Kakuzu was sealing his fate. That was a latent homosexual if he'd ever seen one. It was actually sort of like a replay of Hidan himself when he was first realizing what he was. Hm. It was all so interesting…

"You said I couldn't talk, so technically it's all your fault." He grinned. "Sorry?"

Kakuzu blinked, his breathing slowly going back to normal. He swallowed and stood, nodding once. "Um. Okay then. Thank you for the cupcake…"

Hidan smiled to himself as Kakuzu stumbled away up the stairs to take shelter with Charlie. Damn. He had such a nice ass, too.


	9. En Route to a Mosh Pit

**A/N: **Almost time for the concert! :D Huzzah… Kakuzu has a little bit of a secret for you today. And it's about an unexpected person, I'd say… I'm blaming art class for who it is. X3 Art class is crazy. Art class is also the one place that is free of homophobes, so it is a sanctuary and I love it…because ChiChi and I don't have to worry about our abusive friend there. Actually, not ever anymore, because we decided that we can do so much better. –smile- I'm proud of who I am, and nobody's going to change it just because their religion disagrees with it. I can like girls if I want to. Because that's who I was born, and I can't change it either, so I'm going to be proud of that. :3

Anyway, on with the story! xD

~Disclaiming-ness~

Hello Lovely, I Hate You

..x.

Waiting out a day to end so he could go to a concert that night was Hidan's least favourite activity to start with, but waiting it out at work with Zetsu clamoring on and on in his ear…? Now there was an activity that was utterly unbearable! Cringing as the two sides chattered, Hidan unpacked boxes of CDs, desperate for it to be three o'clock. As it was he was already going to leave early, but early wasn't coming soon enough.

"We expect you to behave yourself, remember. …Screw that! Nail him, Hida-kun. …You pervert. …So? You want him to, too. Don't say that you don't want him to nail him. I can tell you do. …Well. Erm. …Ha. Look at that. I win again. …Hida-kun, don't listen to us, okay?"

"How the fuck can I not?!" Hidan groaned, "Clearly you're incapable of talking inside your head. That_ is _one thing you share, Zetsu. Maybe you could make some use of it?"

"But… …But we don't' want to. …That would be so boring."

"Gah, you're hopeless!"

"No, we're very hope_ful." _Black Zetsu corrected. "If you nail him it would make our day."

"Exactly how low do you think my standards are?! I don't jump into bed with someone on the first date. Or the second one. Or the third one. And anyway, this doesn't even count as a date." He complained, stealing another longing glace at the clock on the wall. Damn it, why was it so slow? Fuck it, he was leaving. Now. Sitting around was making him way too anxious. No one was in the store right then anyway, so it wasn't like it mattered. "Oka,y bye bye motherfucker! I'm going now. I can't stand it."

"Hm? …You're leaving without us, Hida-kun? But you already had a lunch break! Don't go eating hamburgers without _us…!"_

"No, fuckface! I'm going home. Jashin, you're so stupid. I need to get ready…" He was fibbing, of course. Even though he did need to get ready, he'd still have ages to wait. All he wanted was to get out of that stifling store. Maybe he could convince Kakuzu, who'd gotten permission to take his whole day off, to get on the highway sooner than they'd planned… Standing in line for a while at the venue was part of the whole concert experience, after all.

"…You're going home? The boss won't like that if he finds out, you know. …He already hates you because you broke the window that one time, remember?"

Hidan frowned, crossing his arms. "So? I was angry, okay? Is that such a crime?"

"You didn't have to punch it. …Oh, and remember the time you decided to cuss out a customer? …He's done that several times. Quite memorable. My count is ten times…? Maybe. …Eleven. …Ah, that's right."

"Okay, okay! Seriously, you don't have to remind me of all the times I've been an idiot. I _know, _alright?" He threw up his hands in defeat. "But I won't have to worry, because _you _won't let him find out I left early."

Zetsu blinked, and his kind half started to nod in agreement until the other side cut in. "Wait a minute! What's in it for us?"

"Dude, it's called you're my _friend…?" _Not to play favourites again, but Hidan would rather have had Zetsu's white side be the dominant one. Life (and getting away with things) would've been so much easier…

He considered, yellow eyes studying the ground. "Well. That's true. But adding in buying us lunch tomorrow wouldn't hurt."

The zealot groaned out an exasperated sigh. "Oh my _Jashin, _is that _all _you fucking ever think about?!"

"…Nope!" The white personality pepped up happily. "We also spend a fair deal of time thinking about setting you up with Kuzu-chan. But who's keeping track…? Heh!"

"Damn you, Zetsu. Damn you…"

"…You know you love us."

--

"I hope you won't be making any habits out of getting back early." Kakuzu greeted him dryly as Hidan stumbled through the door. That is, if something said so boredly could even count as a greeting…

Hidan flashed him a glare, stomping upstairs to take a shower. "Hey, shut up. Who's taking you to the concert tonight? Yeah, that would be me, fucker…"

"Must you turn everything into a battle…?" Kakuzu sighed, rubbing his temples absently. He was pretty much right, though. The Jashinist he shared his house with just simple didn't know how to function any other way, quite frankly. Conflict was all he knew how to do.

When the Jashinist emerged from his shower and had spent an acceptable amount of time getting his hair perfectly slicked back, slapped on an Iron Maiden shirt and semi-tight jeans that were wrinkled just enough to make it look like he didn't care, and had those lovely tickets in hand, he rejoined Kakuzu with a mad grin on his face. He was officially ready to go mosh his brains out. "Can we go now? Please?"

"Ah, you sound like a whiny little kid more every day."

"_Please? _It's not _that _early. I mean, it sort of is, but_ still, _please?"

Another impatient sigh. "Fine."

"Yaye!"  
They bid Charlie goodnight and piled into Hidan's car (not short of several snooty remarks on Kakuzu's part about its cleanliness.) and tore on to the highway, ready for their not-a-date.

--

Now, Hidan wasn't about to waste an opportunity to get some fine dirt on his captor-turned-schoolboy-crush. Yes, it was growing more officially every damn time he looked at him. There was a schoolboy crush on the loose. In other words, it was time to do some digging on exactly how possible it would be to make Zetsu's fantasy about them being together come true.

Jashin, it felt like some stupid daytime drama.

Only a few miles down the road, Kakuzu had made them pull over and taken command of the wheel. According to him, Hidan's driving was erratic and awful. Which, frankly, Hidan couldn't really disagree with…so he slid into the passenger seat and promptly began his examination as soon as they started moving again. "I'm gonna act like a fucking fangirl, so you know. I can't help it when I'm watching hot men play music. I go, like, crazy. Seriously."

"Erm…just try not to embarrass me too badly, would you?" Hm. He seemed to be blushing a bit uncomfortably. Was he blushing?

_Dig. It's a perfect time to find out all sorts of shit. I mean, he's trapped in a moving car with me for an hour and a half! Perfect. _"But don't you start fangirling in that sort of situation…?"

"I _don't _fangirl."

"Ha. Yeah. Come on, everybody fangirls sometimes." Hidan prodded, poking him in the shoulder. Kakuzu wasn't wearing his mask. He probably hadn't even brought it, either. Somehow knowing that he'd be seeing his face the whole night made him happy. "Like, what about your ex-girlfriends? Ex-_boyfriends…?" _an emphasis was left lingering on that last word.

For lack of escape routes, Kakuzu found that he had no choice but to answer. "…I had a few girlfriends… I didn't see much of a point to them. All they wanted was me to buy them things. Parasitic bitches…" Then, he drew in a breath and gripped the steering wheel tighter in his long fingers. "And there was one boyfriend…"

Hidan's head snapped to look at him. "Oh?" So Kakuzu wasn't repressed, then. He already knew. Then why was he acting so weird during the cupcake incident? Aside, of course, from the fact that his tenant's tongue was exploring him…but anyway. What had this boyfriend done…?

"Mph." The tattooed man moaned slightly. "Do we really have to talk about this?"

"Yes!" Oh. Oops, that seemed a bit too spirited. "Er. Yes, because I'm fuckin' bored, you know?! Entertain me with _something. _I don't know much about you, but I _am _living under your roof, after all." Was that convincingly innocent enough? (Could Hidan even be innocent…?) Gah. Maybe he was making it feel harder than it was…mhm, he was. Damn. He wished he didn't have such a tendancy to have his mouth spit out shit before he thought about what to say.

"Damn." Kakuzu mumbled, squinting as he switched lanes. Clearly he didn't want to say much. "No."

"Come one, please?!" He begged. Funny, wasn't it, how he was always the one begging instead of Charlie? How discouraging… "I'll tell you all _my _embarrassing secrets. Why not?"

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Come onnnn, _please?!" _Hidan drew it out in a whiny voice. Being the master whiner that he was, he'd learned that he usually could get what he wanted unlike how they told you in school. 'Whining gets you nothing.' Yeah, sure. That only pertained to stupid kids who didn't have enough determination. "At least tell me his fucking name, dude. Please?"

"His…his name?" Kakuzu swallowed, and Hidan watched his green eyes start to cloud over with some memory or another. A painful one, it looked like. "It's Madara."  
"Madara," Repeated the albino Jashinist, trying out the name in his mouth. Already he started to feel a sprinkle of jealousy bubbling from his gut. "So what'd the bastard do to you?"

Flinch. "Could you not call him that? You don't even know him. You don't know what happened."

"Then what happened?"

Huff. "None of your business."

"Stubborn bitch."

"Fine," Kakuzu growled back eventually, "Fine. If you're going to be like that, I'll tell you that one day…the anniversary of us being together for two years…he just randomly decided to go our separate ways. No drama, just…sudden endings."

Hidan could see past the veil. "Somehow I'm getting the feeling you weren't as fucking peachy with that idea as you're trying to act, Kuzu-chan." Getting dumped on an anniversary…Jashin, that would sting so fucking badly. No wonder…

He glared Hidan's way. "Time to drop the goddamn subject now. I don't want to talk about it any more."

Yup. Someone was nursing a wounded heart. _Damn. Mr. Madara-Person really must have taken you by surprise. _Kakuzu looked fairly _sad _about it. Hidan wasn't familiar with Kakuzu looking sad. Breaking his heart for no reason…the other guy must have been playing Kakuzu from the start if it really had been that shockingly sudden and scarring. That incident also must have been why he was so startled from the icing-lick, Hidan speculated. Feeling another man on him must have stirred up those needles in his chest again. Analyzing that miser wasn't going to be easy, was it? Dammit.

Well, whoever Madara was, Hidan really desperately wanted to go kick his ass. Or maybe send Zetsu off to eat his ass… Because only _he _was allowed to mess with Kakuzu.

--

**A/N: **Omj. XD KakuMada. Yes. Isn't it such crack at first glance…? But it's actually growing on me. See, we were arguing about who would top in that pairing, and we decided eventually on Kuzu because of the whole tentacle-rape thing. xDD

The concert is next chapter! :3 I'm exciteddd. Yaye.

Leave a review and I will love you forever because you are all so amazing for tolerating my weirdness. -major glomp!-


	10. Pretending This Guitar is a Gun

**A/N: **This one took way longer than I planned. X3x Urk. Time is going by a lot faster than it feels like right now… For me anyway. XD And I'm having schizophrenic moods, so it's escaping. Arghhh.

Oh, my ChiChi Darling and I are writing a lemon together! 3 Ha, it's how we occupy ourselves in English. Technically it's still literature, right? :3 Don't know when it'll be done yet, but it's amazingly fun. XD I'm Hidan, she's Kakuzu, and it involves a bathroom and misunderstandings…hehe.

So, were there really _twenty nine _reviews last time!? O___O Ohmaii, THANK YOU!! I don't have time to reply to everyone, but I love you so much. :DD There was an anonymous one in Japanese that made my week, whoever wrote it. –glomps- (Online translators rock, you know?! Haha.)

Enjoy, everybody!!

--

Hello Lovely, I Hate You

Chapter Ten

Hidan was in heaven.

"Oh, Jashin. Thank you. _Thank you…!"_

Okay, correction: Hidan was finally claiming his spot in the mosh pit. But really, being there at last sure as hell _felt _like heaven. Even Kakuzu was acting happy to be there. After another hour trapped with the Jashinist waiting in line and freezing his ass off, he was glad to be in the stifling heat of the pit with bodies teeming around him.

The second supporting band was about halfway through their set, and Hidan was desperately thirsty. He glanced over at Kakuzu beside him to see how he was doing. A thin trail of sweat ran down the side of his face, and Hidan was struck by how damn sexy he looked. So edible. Even more than when he was smeared by cupcake icing…stealing that kiss then had been one of his best forward moves in a long while. _Whoever he is, Madara was one lucky motherfucker. I can't believe he would just up and…hey!_

All of a sudden a huge wave pulsed through the people, and Kakuzu got caught up in the crowd, being forced backwards, almost swallowed into the whirlpool they had going. Instinctively, Hidan lunged to grab his hand, jerking him back to his side. "Dumbass!" He yelled, "Be careful or you'll get trampled! Tch, inexperienced idiot. I bet you're one of those pansies who'd rather be sitting in the balcony!" But really he was desperately thinking, _I can't lose you in here, damn you._

"Shut up, freeloader." He slammed down his boot hard on Hidan's foot. "And you can let go of my hand. I'm not a baby."

"Ouch!" Cringing, he curled his throbbing toes, only for them to get stepped on again by the girl in front of him who was losing her balance.

When you go to a concert, always expect to have bruised toes when you get back home. And that's regardless of if you have a Kakuzu to piss off with you or not. Moshing simply is not kind to toes.

"You're not letting go…" His eyes squinted in annoyance.

_Awh, shit…party pooper. _Hidan cast away his grip in mock uncaring. "Meh. See if I care when you get squashed."

"Yeah, yeah. When that happens, just be sure to tell Charlie I'm leaving everything I own to him. And that includes the house. Which…" He grinned darkly. "Which would mean, I do believe, you'd be living in your car again. So if I were you, I'd think twice about laughing when I'm dead."

"Jashin damn it, you are such a jerk, you know that?!"

"Oh, like you're not one."

"Fuck you!"

"Fuck you too."

--

Another break between bands was upon them, meaning the main event was about to come on at last. People were restless, milling around as best they could in the crowded pit and talking to any random interesting looking person that they could find. Kakuzu was nothing short of interesting, especially with his tattoos decorating his face.

"Heyyy." One crooned, squirming through to stand next to him, her friend not far behind. "Are you here with anyone?"

Clearly Hidan wasn't the only one who found him delicious. Jealousy nipped at him, telling him to kick their asses for even looking at him.

But, you know…that would sort of get him kicked out of the place, wouldn't it? Damn. So much for that. Up in smoke… Hidan watched them carefully, already formulating a rescue idea if they got to be too predatory. Unfortunately, all he could think of was strangling them.

"I came with him." Kakuzu shrugged at the albino, and the taller girl grinned, flashing him a black-nailed thumbs up.

"Cool. Always good to have a friend with you, right? It's not the same alone."

However, her friend was more interested in entertainment than small talk. Playing absently with the padlock that hung down from her necklace, she asked, "So, uh. Does that mean you're single?"

_Jashin! Jashin, if I've been a good disciple all these years, you'll strike her dead. Right now. Please?!_

He blinked. "Excuse me?"

_Oh, come on, Kakuzu!! She's hitting on you! And you just fucking told me on the way that you can't stand girls! Come _on, _dammit, tell her to fuck off! Or, or…or…oh hell, dammit, tell her to fuck off! You'll get yourself raped. Somehow. I mean, I don't know exactly how a girl could rape a guy, and that goes double for one who's _you, _but…but…but still!_

"I asked you if," she leaned in and her friend stood in dumbstruck embarrassment. "you were single."

Now (FINALLY, the idiot!) Kakuzu's eyes snapped open widely in realization. "Oh! Oh, um… Actually," he tried to act calm again. "Actually I'm not, sorry."

The girl raised an eyebrow, glancing around. "Hunh? But you didn't bring them as a date?"

"It's probably guy's night out or something, Hana." Her taller friend tried to tug her away.

"Jeez, it was only a question!" Hana rolled her eyes. "Can't I ask a few questions to random people?" She turned back to Kakuzu. "I'm sure he doesn't mind. It's so boring between bands, isn't it? Especially when your 'girlfriend' isn't here."

"Well, here's the thing." Kakuzu was sufficiently creeped out by being hit on by a girl, and tried to talk his way out of it. The other people in the pit were bored too though, and they decided to start pushing and swaying.

Let me tell you, it nearly gave Hidan one geyser of a nosebleed, and not because he got hit in the nose.

Before he knew what was going on, he was violently shoved into Kakuzu, and had his lips smashed up to his. A strangled, surprised yelp left his throat, but was drowned between their mouths, which steadily opened part way. When he felt Kakuzu's tongue brush against his own, Hidan's face was raged by a blush. He closed his eyes, letting his weight be supported by the other man until he pulled away, a triumphant gleam in those pink eyes. Salvation, motherfuckers! Jashin saved Kakuzu _and _rewarded Hidan with a second kiss all in one! Now _that _was quality control he could live with… "Sorry. See, he's sort of here with me. As in," He lied, "_I'm _the reason he's not single."

Hana tried to blink away her total shock, her hand dropping the charm on her necklace. "Oh my god. Shit, I am so sorry! God, I am so _dumb_!" She laughed in humiliation, smacking her forehead, "Shit, please forget I…um…yeah. Sorry."

"Oh my GOD! That was hot!" Her friend breathed, oblivious that Hana was mortified. "YAOI! Okay, this is now officially the best fucking night of my life. Can you invite us to your wedding?!"

"WE ARE NOT GETTING MARRIED." Kakuzu interjected firmly, glaring at Hidan. As if it was really his fault that time…

He stationed an angelic smile on his face. "Kuzu-chan, I was going to propose to you tonight. Please don't be mad I was waiting…"

"What?!" The syllable escaped him like a cloud of smoke. "You…you…you can't be serious, Hidan-"

A roaring of cheers drowned him out, and a barrage of guitar riffs flooded back in. Smug and happy with himself, Hidan turned his attention to the stage, not caring Kakuzu was still staring at him with loathing.

Frankly he felt he had to agree with Hana's friend. This _was _officially the best fucking night of his life.

--

"So, Kuzu." He mentioned between songs, "Do you think I'm sexy?"

"Dead? Yes. Sexy? Fuck no. I'm going to shoot you. I'm absolutely going to shoot you for that."

Hidan laughed. "Right, right. How was the kiss? Just admit that you loved every second of it. Go ahead and admit it…"

Sourly, he spat back, "That wasn't a real kiss. And neither was the time with the artery clogging junk food. You were terrible both times."

"Huh? Liar!" He bristled, hating to be told he was anything less than the best. "You're jealous cuz I'm better than you and I'd be seme."

"Really now?" Kakuzu smirked, shaking his head. Now it was a competition. "You are so stupid. Want me to show you what a real kiss and a real seme is?"

"Bring it on, fucker!"

He wasn't' expecting to have it brought so hard.

Even before it clicked in his brain that Kakuzu was actually going to take the bait, he was swiftly there, his mouth commanding the other what to do. The music simply became a background for them, and they struggled over who would stay in the command. Soon enough Hidan was assured that yes; he was for once fighting a losing battle.

But also for once, Hidan honestly didn't mind that he was second best in line.

"Now that," Kakuzu smirked again, "is a real kiss."

_Hell yes it was… _Dazzling… Hidan blinked away the stars that suddenly crept into his eyes and chuckled, "Oh yeah? I'm not sure yet. Can you teach me that lesson one more time?"

And so the rest of the night went, with them basically stealing another excuse for a kiss at least every few songs. Two hours of Kakuzu's lips on his…he could totally deal with that. And really, it didn't seem to be killing the miser either. He wasn't keeling over dead from over-exposure to freeloading Jashinist spit. Not in the slightest.

As the pit screamed and jumped all around them, they were in their own little corner of fucked up peace, with a bit of added groping. Maybe more than groping. The Zombie Twins prefer loads of groping, actually.

So yes. More than a bit.

Way fucking more than a bit, if you must know. His only regret was that he was so bust making out that he almost forgot to be a fangirl. Well, _almost._

--

The drive back was way too damn long. And even Kakuzu, the driving critic from hell, wasn't complaining that Hidan was swerving all over the place. Of course, it was understandable this time, because his neck was busy being nipped at the whole way by a hungry, dominant banker. "Mmm, Kuzu, we're gonna crash you know…"

"I don't care." He growled into his skin, causing him to shiver.

"Oh. Good. Cuz I hoped you'd say that…ow. Fuck, I take back…everything I ever said…about you lying…!"

"Haha. Loser."

"Slut."

"I'm the slut? You _are _oblivious, aren't you…? You're the one who asked for it…"

"Ahh…aha. True, true… I'll admit it… Fuck, we are so going to crash!"

"Once again: I don't care."

"Hahaha….ah, Jashin! That Madara bastard doesn't know what he's missing…"

"…Can we not talk about him?" His voice went cold for a moment, a miserable memory striking him as he paused his urgent kissing.

"Eh. Sorry."

"Good…"

--

Hidan had grown used to one night stands. He'd had to in recent times, because who in their right mind would want to spend time with him once they realized what an asshole he really was? Nobody, exactly. The thing here was, Kakuzu already _knew _what an asshole he was ahead of time. That was the reason he'd never known a more awkward waking-up-in-the-morning before then. Kakuzu _knew, _so why the hell had he even let him through once? Was he just lonely too? Or were they both feeling something stronger than lonely?

Hidan couldn't find anyone, period. Not even anyone to break his heart.

Kakuzu had been dumped and was still a sore, open wound even though he played the all powerful emotionless warrior on the outside.

The pair had more in common than they realized.

Both of them were horribly sad.

It was better to be sad together than sad alone, right…?


	11. Tattle Tales and Collision Courses

**A/N: **Mahaha, I've been brainstorming a lot lately. :D Basically that means I'm going to torture Hidan. –grin- And you're going to get a lot more of this story than I thought I could invent at first. :3

So, ten days until Christmas! X3 Who's excited…?! Ah, I'm a greedy person, though. X___x The only reason I celebrate is for the presents… Holiday cheer is infectious though, isn't it? Uwah.

Enjoy the latest chapter. :D

-Disclaimer. Disclaimer. Disclaimer.-

Hello Lovely, I Hate You

Chapter Eleven

"Mmph, Charlie, quit it." Hidan groaned, raising a hand to defend his face from being licked to death by the dog. "I'm awake, I'm awake!" Charlie only yipped at him inquisitively and continued to bother him.

"I think he's confused." Kakuzu reasoned, looking up from buckling his belt. "He's never seen you in my room before, after all. For all he knows, it could be the end of the world. That's what I would think if I were a dog in his position…"

"In your room…?" His memory was foggy from morning sleepiness, but it didn't take long for him to remember what had happened the night before. "Ohh, that's right… Is this where we ended up…?"

"Yeah." Almost sheepishly, he went on, "I had fun yesterday. I'm not used to having fun. But I mean the whole thing, not just… I don't know, you're not so awful only to spend time with as I thought."

"What?" Perhaps it was the end of the world. "So you're telling me that you had fun on the not-date that Zetsu said was a date anyway?!"

Kakuzu snorted. "You need to stop talking to that friend of yours. He's crazy."

"Yeah, he is. What was your first clue? The split personality or the thirst for bloody meat…?"

"Oh, shut up. Look, we're both late for work. But, you know… I could come get you for lunch if you want…maybe…?"

Whoa, and he was calling Zetsu crazy? Had he lost his mind overnight? He couldn't possible be taking Hidan seriously as an actual boyfriend. Hidan wasn't boyfriend material. And Kakuzu didn't do nice that well either; they were sure to rip off each other's heads the first chance they got in a relationship that was more than passing each other in the hallway a few times a day. Plus, there was that one other thing… "You paying for lunch for two people is impossible! You'd never fucking do that!"

"Ha." He rolled his eyes. "Don't go getting too hopeful, stupid. You're right, I wouldn't. That's why you're paying too. Look, don't screw up, okay? I'm giving you one chance. If you want it, that is… Hell, maybe I'm just desperate, but you're _not that bad _of company. Okay?"

No, that really was still Kakuzu. Controlling and tricky, but he came to his point when he wanted to.

It looked like he wanted another not-date, too. Because Hidan knew he did, even though he totally resented that he did. "I have to _behave?"_

"…If you want to," He sighed, turning for the door. "Damn, I don't know why I'm doing this…"

--

"Zetsu, I swear, how did you know!?"

"Know what?" Both of them looked up to find a flustered Hidan rushing up.

"That I might match with Kakuzu! How the fuck could you tell?! It doesn't make any sense, damn it! I can't figure it out!"

"…Ohh. It was the concert yesterday. …Aha, I remember, yes. It must have gone…_well? _..Hee hee. Let's hope so."

"Yeah…" Hidan smiled off handedly in spite of himself. Fun with the actual person too, not only the body. "Yeah…"

"Oho, he's got a hickey! …What?! Look, look! That's not any ordinary bruise…! …Jesus, it's huge. …Is it from Kuzu-chan? …Where else could it be from? That dog he mentioned?! Hell no! …Kuzu-chan, it has to be!"

"Shit, there's a hickey?!" His hand sprung up to check his neck. Sure enough he could feel it, a pretty little red treasure that stood out magnificently from his pale white skin. "I didn't know that was there…"

"…Congratulations!" Zetsu grinned, clapping his hands excitedly. "…We win!"

"What do you mean win? It's not a contest, it's a fucking disaster."

"The hickey or your lack of concealer for it? …Or perhaps both?"

"No, dammit, nothing about the fucking hickey." He snapped, "About _Kakuzu, _dipshit! I'm totally doomed. I can't keep a stable relationship! Even with a guy I really like! What the hell am I thinking? I suck at keeping stable relationships. Notice how I haven't had a boyfriend in months? Yeah. My track record is shit. I'm never gonna make it past a week with him… And then, do you have any idea how weird it would be to still be living with him? I couldn't do that. I'm fucked, Zetsu. I'm fucked, and that's all there is to it. I'm gonna absolutely die…" Hidan moaned, rubbing his neck in frustrated agony. "Do you have any idea how badly I'm gonna die…?"

As his plea faded off, the bells to the door violently rang, signaling someone who was not very happy had just stormed in. When he heard, Zetsu seemed to shrivel up with a guilty grimace, and he bit his lip. "Erm, hey, Hidan. We're really sorry about this, but, um… …We sort of… …Told the boss about you leaving all of the time…?"

"Hidan!"

_'The fuck…? He told the boss…? Idiot! _"Um…yes…sir?" Hidan spun around and was greeted by a totally red faced man, shaking a finger at him.

"You! When I stopped in here by surprise yesterday, _guess who wasn't here?"_

"Um…me?"

"YOU! EXACTLY. And when I asked Zetsu, _the good employee, _hell, he's as good as two employees, he told me that you decided to _leave. _What were you thinking?! You know you were already in trouble!"

"You told him?!" He snapped at his schizophrenic friend, starting to get pissed off. "Why the fuck would you go and do that, shithead?!"

"He's _scary." _White Zetsu shivered, and even Black Zetsu nodded sullenly in silent agreement on the subject.

"There was like nobody coming in yesterday!" Hidan whined, whipping back at their boss. "Come on, dude. Quit being stupid, I only left a few hours early! It's not like we work at fucking Wal-mart where we get thousands of fucking people every second so bad that we get, like, _trampled _to death by them. Jashin! Seriously, cool the fuck off, dude." Wal-mart had scared the shit out of him ever since the man had been killed on Black Friday. People really were fucked up not to notice that they were killing a fucking human being right under their feet just because they wanted to save a couple of dollars on some GPS system…

"Cool the…" Plainly, getting told to cool the fuck off only resulted in heating him the fuck up.

"…Hidan, your tactics really suck." Zetsu murmured just before their boss let out a gigantic roar from too much stress and nicotine withdrawal.

"Don't you dare tell me what to do! I'm supposed to tell _you _what to do, god damn it! Not that you would _know, _since you never do what I pay you for!"

He knew better than to correct him into saying Jashin. Now really wasn't the time for that… "Okay, okay, sorry. I swear I'll be your good little obedient minion from now on, dude. I swear."

"…Good little obedient minion…!" Zetsu mused in the background, shaking his head. "He'd never make it as a minion. …I'm afraid he wouldn't. Because Hida-chan is a free spirit. …No, he's a bull-headed fool. …Oh. Well. That's true too, but…"

"I know you, Hidan. You'll say anything to get yourself out of trouble!" His agitated boss hissed, using all of his strength not to grab him by the neck and toss him through a window. "I can't deal with unfaithful workers, especially not in this economy! Service needs to be reliable, good, and certainly not the kind that will yell at you and make you burst into tears because they swear every other word and enjoy watching other people squirm. Look, I'm going to have to let you go. I'm sorry."

"Let me go!?"

"Yes, as in go home and find someplace else to work in the morning."

Eyes open wide in disbelief; his immediate reaction was a sudden swelling of violent anger. "Damn it, Zetsu! Damn it!" Slamming down a fist on the counter just because he needed to hear noise, needed to feel his eardrums burst and bleed; and growled, "Fuck you all! I can leave; I can sure as hell leave!"

By then he was a totally mess, desperate for a road, any road, so he could tear away and leave tire tracks everywhere. He wanted to scar up the whole world so it would look exactly like he did. He was so sick of everything dropping on him without warning, so fucking sick of Jashin never actually doing a single damn thing to fix them.

Slamming the car door hard enough to shake the whole frame of the car, he revved the engine and shot from his parking space. Blind by seething hate and general disappointment in _himself, _he wan't paying any attention to what was in front of him.

A thump, a bump, and a pair of wide, surprised emerald eyes just before they fell abruptly like an autumn leaf to the pavement to tell him that he'd hit something.

"Hm…?!"

A person, struck by his rushed misery.

_Oh fuck. Fuck what did I do now…? _He clambered out, cold sweat enveloping him as he rushed out to see what he'd hit.

A man, knocked out from the unexpected blow, crumpled on the ground.

"Oh fuck, don't you dare die!" Panic dripped into his voice, and he turned the unconscious body over to see its face. Skin, dark in colour, dotted now with a few cuts dripping blood from his fall, along with strikingly familiar tattoos.

_Oh…fuck!_

"Kakuzu?!"


	12. You Look Sexy In A Hospital Gown

**A/N: **Christmas break means I'm writing a lot. XD Because there're nothing else to do, but anyway. –dutiful pose-

Disclaimer: I'm not Kishi. There's no way in hell I'd kill Kuzu and ruin everything. X3-

Enjoyyy~~

Hello Lovely, I Hate You

Chapter Twelve

"Dammit, Kakuzu!" Hidan growled, holding him up. "This is seriously not a good thing, got it?! I mean, how am I supposed to annoy you when you're dead?!"

He had a major tendency to overreact with everything. While he was busy ranting and freaking out, the resilient miser was already blinking himself back to reality. His voice cracked some as it got used to itself again, but it mumbled through a splitting headache, "How…fucking stupid… _are _you…?!"

"Kuzu?! You're alive?!"

"No shit, dumb ass…! Ouch, what the hell hit me?!"

"Um…me…?"

His eyes blazed, staring at him in that totally loathing way of his. "Oh, I should have known. Why do I even ask?"

"Are you okay?!" He whimpered, begging Jashin to just go ahead and damn him to hell right on the spot. Hell was where he fuckin' belonged, anyway. Who was he fooling? Naturally he _would _go so far to use his not-boyfriend as a goddamn speed bump!

Blood dripped pathetically from his throbbing nose, and Kakuzu stared up at him as if he was nothing more than an ignorant amoeba, not worth his time. "Well, let's see. Give it a nice long thought, if you're capable of thinking, that is. DO I FUCKING LOOK OKAY TO YOU!?"

Hidan grimaced, the spiteful words tearing into his veins. Oh, what he wouldn't give for a nice knife on hand to give all his blood to Jashin. "I'm sorry…" He muttered in a small voice, and meaning it for once. "Damn it, I can't do anything right."

Kakuzu noticed the misery coating Hidan's voice, and winced. "Hey, stop that. You're not the kind of person who goes around moping."

"Nehh…"

Heaving himself up, he gritted his teeth through sharp pains inside his skull. "Ouch. Fuck. Look, I think I have a concussion. Redeem yourself and take me to a hospital. I hate hospitals, but that's what insurance is for…" He stopped and wearily glanced at a limp, shocked Hidan. "Hey, Mopey! I fucking forgive you. You're just an idiot by nature, you can't help it."

Glaring once half heartedly, he helped him climb into the car that had just hit him to the curb. "But I don't want you to forgive me. I nearly fucking _killed _you."

The first real chance he'd gotten at something actually nice. A relationship that was fun through the handy façade of angry nagging.

Kakuzu sighed, agitatated. "Damn it, would a half dead person do this?!"

"Huh?" Hidan looked up just in time to see a scraped up fist come sailing to meet squarely with his jaw bone. "SON OF A BITCH, KUZU!" He growled, reeling backward.

"Take me to the hospital." Nodding smugly, Kakuzu turned the key in the ignition for him. "Or I will hit you again. But next time, it will be directly in the balls."

You couldn't really blame him for being testy. He had a killer head ache, and his insurance rates were about to go up.

Stupid Jashinist.

Stupid, stupid, stupid, _stupid _little Jashinist!

That was exactly why Kakuzu preferred dogs.

--

The nurses made quite a fuss over him. Hidan lingered in the background feeling guilty but also confused as to why Kakuzu wasn't telling them the story about _how _he'd gotten so banged up.

He wasn't protecting Hidan, was he? A tiny blush filtered through the music-junkie's cheeks as he wondered. No, that was too good to be true. He was probably just drawing out the torture to make him feel worse. _Zetsu, I wish you were here so you could hurry up and tell me what the fuck I'm supposed to do now…_

Oh, wait. Never mind. Zetsu was at work, the place he couldn't go any more because he was reckless about everything, right down to refilling the receipt printer. (He was always breaking that pesky little fucker. Numerous times his pay check had been docked for it…)

"Excuse me, sir?"

"Hm?" A nurse was beckoning him over, pausing her work on Kakuzu. "Yeah?"

"Do you need help, too?"

"What?"

"Your, ah, jaw." She explained, slightly confused. "It's all bruised. Do you need someone to examine it? Do you think you broke it…?"

HE almost cracked a smile. Already he'd nearly forgotten about Kakuzu slugging him to bring him back to his senses. It hadn't worked all that well, obviously, because he was still very preoccupied with worry. "Oh, no. Um. I'm with him."

"Ah, I see." She nodded, smoothing her shirt. "Well, we're going to move him into a room and keep him a day or so for observation. Something gave him a nasty concussion, but he won't say what did."

Hidan bit his lip. No, really!? "Is that so…?"

"Yes… But anyway, I'm afraid you'll have to wait until later to talk to him for long. Family only for now."

"He is!"

Hidan's head snapped over to where Kakuzu sat looking pissed off in a wheeled gurney. "I am?"

The death glare Kakuzu sent him told him to shut of or he would take up on that offer to get kicked in the balls. "Erm, yeah. He's my brother!" He called to the nurse, who took a doubtful look at Hidan.

"Uh…are you…sure?" She muttered, giving him an uncertain once-over.

_Come on, seriously. We look about as alike as a lobster and a toucan. Did you, like, lose your sanity when you hit your head, Kuzu?_

"Adopted brother." The miser clarified, not bad at acting. But, what with all his impatient huffing, even the doctor with the very best bedside manner was going to have issues keeping _him _happy. Being cranky and irritable defined him.

Maybe that was how Zetsu could tell they were made for each other…

Giving a great sigh, the nurse gave in and let Hidan follow them into Kakuzu's temporary room. Curiously, he took a look at the gown they'd made their patient wear. Somehow he could even make a paper thin dress-thing look good…

Once they were alone, Hidan licked his lips and ventured, "So, I have to know. Why the hell did you tell them I'm your brother?"

"Hm? To get you in here."

"Yeah, no duh. But why? Like, seriously. I'd feel a lot fucking better if you told me you hate me. You are totally right, I need my driver's license revoked. Badly. But why won't you scream at me and ell me I fuck everything up and that you'd love to never have to see my sorry ass again?"

"Easy," Kakuzu smirked. "Charlie would miss you. I can't have Charlie sad, can I?"

"Ha." Hidan grinned. _I guess there is a heart somewhere in there… _But there was one more thing he wanted to know before they could return to enjoying some more awkward silence. "And what about you? Would _you_ miss me?"

Kakuzu blinked in surprise. Scratching the bandage on his head, he took a moment before quietly answering, "…Maybe."

Hidan smiled. "That's what I thought, too."

--

**A/N: **Happy Christmas everyone. :D I'll write more soon. There will be more Charlie then. –grin- Oh, and Shishio! XD I've got to say thank you for making me more determined not to accidentally fall into the Land of Predictability. :3 But I hope this chapter made up for it. I wish you lots of presents also. And everybody else! :DDD

Semi-Spoiler Alert! Kuzu's only in the hospital so I can introduce a new character soon. D


	13. The Food Here Sucks, But You're Tasty

**A/N: **So, if anyone read the author's note from the latest chapter of Raindrops, you'll know that we just brought home a new puppy, so things are slightly spastic at the moment. XD Potty training. Enough said. Meep. But, his name is Trevor. :D And he's cute, but Charlie here is cuter. Awh. Or so I imagine…

I own nothing~.

Enjoy part thirteen. :3

--

Hello Lovely, I Hate You

Chapter Thirteen

"Who _is _that…?" One of the nurses murmured, peering inside.

"I have no idea, but isn't he scary?"

"I wouldn't say scary…well, maybe he does look a bit hostile." She shivered, studying the albino reclined in the visitors' chair and talking to the patient.

"Oh, hostile's not even the half of it! I found him in there like four hours after visiting hours were supposed to be over last night, and I don't think he's moved since… He was asleep then, and when I tried to wake him up to get him to leave, he _growled _at me! And…and flipped me off! All in his sleep, too…!"

"Oh _my! _How awful!"

The two nurses were gossiping outside the room, and Hidan and Kakuzu were eavesdropping intently. The miser chuckled, glancing at the other man. "Jesus Christ, while you were _asleep, _even? Now that takes talent, I've got to say…"

Hidan smirked, proud of himself. "Apparently, 'cuz I don't remember it. But anyway, visiting hours are a crock. I'm not leaving. It's not like I have anywhere to go…"

"Yes you do," Kakuzu snipped, poking him in the shoulder firmly. "Charlie needs breakfast. And his bladder isn't made of steel, either. Especially in his old age. Plus, you do have a job, remember? There's no money when you don't go."

"Erm. About that…" Hidan gulped sheepishly, rubbing his neck. "Well, uh… I kind of am…how should I put this…between jobs at the moment?"

He blinked, shifting underneath the white hospital sheets. "What the hell are you talking about?"

Licking his lips, he said "I got fired?"

That made Kakuzu howl in exasperation. "Excuse me?!" He panted, flailing an arm. "Are you insane? Are you fucking insane…? Unemployment does not pay for dog food, and sure as hell not compensation for my bills!"

"Pshh… Somehow I fuckin' _knew _that you'd spout off some sort of shit like that. Jashin, Kuzu! Seriously, take a pill. Calm down before you have a heart attack. Good thing we're in a hospital, at the rate you're going…" Boredly, he picked at a scab on his arm. By then he'd been around Kakuzu's angry temper long enough that it didn't scare him into submission.

"Take a pill." He repeated harshly. "God, I swear I could kill you sometimes. MOST of the time, actually."

Just for the sake of further pissing him off, Hidan yawned widely. "Yeah, sure. So you've told me daily, dude. Look, I'll go feed Charlie, but I'll be back. Those nurses are too scared of me _not _to let me in! Ha."

The heavily tattooed man rolled his eyes. "Pig."

Hidan grinned. He loved hearing him call him degrading names. At least it was attention. And that whole eye rolling thing Kakuzu always did? Damn, it was so fucking sexy…! "Whatever. Bye bye, honey?" Waving like a dutiful housewife, he blew him a kiss on his way out the door, sure to leer in an intimidating way at the nurses for a quick thrill. Fun, very fun, messing with their heads…

_I am so awesome._

_…No, I'm an idiot._

_But, you know. I like it that way._

--

Charlie's shrill barking slammed him as he got in. The little mutt stared up at Hidan impatiently like he was demanding to know where his master was. Somewhere through the night he'd gotten so lonely that he'd taken his frustrations out on an old hat and chewed it up. Hidan cringed, plucking it from the carpet with two fingers. "Um…how about let's not tell Kuzu about that, okay? He'd probably blame me, so…" A hat that now looked like road kill wouldn't go over too well, so he tossed it behind the couch. Nobody would find it until at least spring cleaning that way, right?

Soon a hill of kibble clanged into the dog bowl to be eaten up. Hidan watched Charlie devour it. "Do you miss Kuzu?"

He looked up, licking his nose.

"I'll take that as a yes…" Cracking a smile, he leaned against the counter. "So, um. Are you, ah…are you fine with me sleeping with your master and everything? 'Cuz, like…" He would have gone on but it finally struck him that a dog really wouldn't care about where exactly Kakuzu's penis was going at night.

_Jeez. Somebody needs to shoot me, seriously._

Groaning to himself, he mentioned, "But anyway, he should be back tomorrow or something." Charlie's whine melted his heart. "Awh…" Hidan complained, gritting his teeth against the unbearable cuteness. "Come on, please! Don't do this to me, don't pull the adorable innocent face on me! Charlie…! Awh, damn it…!"

Slapping his forehead, the Jashinist wished he could be immune to the stupid dog's guilt trip prowess. (He must have learned his trade from Kakuzu…)

Yeah, but he wasn't immune.

At all.

Which is how, within the minute, Charlie was in Hidan's car and on the way to the hospital as a guest of honour.

"Okay, but there's just one problem with this little adventure, Charlie." Hidan warned, trying to drive while being relentlessly licked in the face. "Dogs really technically aren't allowed to go in there, so when the nurses go all psycho on me, you better defend me! Got it?"

By then though, he was too preoccupied sticking his scruffy head out the window to be paying attention to instructions.

"Gah. Stupid dog."

--

Operation Smuggle In the Contraband Canine was in full swing and actually succeeding so far. More or less, anyway. Charlie, as small a brown fuzz ball as he was, was shoved underneath Hidan's shirt for safekeeping. He wasn't making it easy though.

Sniffing with a cold, wet nose and wiggling like hell was making Hidan start _laughing _like hell. Needless to say, that (Oh, and the mysterious moving bulge on his stomach) was starting to attract several suspicious stares.

"Charlie!" He whispered with a hiss. "Charlie, quit moving so much! Seriously, that fucking _tickles, _let me tell you…!"

When a tail sprouted out from underneath his shirt, followed by a head, a nurse decided to step in at last. "Um, excuse me sir, but…is that a _dog?"_

Ah, shit. "No, it's a fucking cat." He drawled sarcastically. Rules, rules, fucking rules! They always fucked everything up, even when he was trying to do something halfway nice for a change.

Luckily it was the same nurse who he'd allegedly flipped off in his sleep and who was bloody terrified of him. All of the assorted scars across his pale skin from rituals probably didn't hurt with making him look intimidating either. She swallowed and played with her hands nervously. "Well, um… Generally we don't allow animals in here unless they're expressly labeled as therapy aides, but…" Hidan shot her a glare that was sure to give her nightmares for weeks, and she quickly changed her tune. "Erm! What I mean to say is…! Ah…go…go ahead! Sorry, to ah, hold you up! Please forgive me, sir…!"

_Haha. Sucker. _Hidan Xeroxed a cherubic smile on his face as if the whole demonic glare thing had never happened. "Oh, I'm so sorry, honey. I had no idea! But thank you oh so very much for letting us through. Have a _wonderful _day…" He made his tone so sickeningly sweet that he would've gagged had he gone on with it much longer.

_Jashin, people are such fucking cowards any more. It makes me sick, dude. Somebody shoot me, please!_

As for the poor nurse, she was sufficiently traumatized enough to last a lifetime.

--

The four legged one and the not-boyfriend arrived just in time to see Kakuzu disdainfully shove away a tray of hospital food. "You're not eating that?! But it's a freaking hospital! Doesn't it have to be healthy?"

"Yeah, but the same can't be said for it having to taste good…oh! Charlie!" As Kakuzu noticed who Hidan had brought, the dog noticed who was there. He squirmed out of Hidan's grip and bounded to cover his master in kisses. "Yes, yes, daddy missed you too… Jesus, but you need a breath mint something awful."

"Ahh, the tender reunion." How heartwarming. Yadda yadda yadda… "Hey, don't I get any praise?"

Jealous, was he?

Maybe.

(Yes. Very much.)

"Praise? For hitting me car, invading my house, teaching him bad manners, and then for hitting _me?"_

"Aw, come on! Give me a break, would you? Firstly, you're the one who suggested I live with you. As a _slave. _And second, what the hell do you mean I taught Charlie bad manners?!"

"Ever since you came, he's been leaving his toys all over the floor like you leave your shit on the floor…"

"He's a dog! He's supposed to!"

Kakuzu nodded broodingly in defeat after a moment's consideration. "Well. Okay, maybe… Good point. But still."

Hidan pouted, feeling unloved. "But, but…the sex is good, right?"

He snorted, trying hard not to laugh. "God. You're so stupid and annoying, but I think it's growing on me for some strange reason."

"Uh. Is that a good thing?"

Kakuzu smiled, with Charlie settling by his shoulder. "Yes, dumbass, it is. Which is why currently I'd rather kiss you than kill you…"

For a guy who was in so-called bad shape enough that he had to be tossed in a hospital, he had no trouble seducing a certain zealot and staying completely in control of the situation.

The nurse (thankfully a different one) who walked in on them about to move on to something more than a major make out session noticed that too, and had the good sense to say it would be safe for him to go back home.

So, they collected Kakuzu's things along with Charlie, who had rolled his eyes at them and took refuge under the chair in the corner, and set off. Returning to their chaotic house never sounded better.

(Kakuzu drove on the way back, though. The over paranoid control freak…)

--

"I was only gone for two days, but I actually missed this place…"

"I know, weird, right…?"

"Mhm…" Then, a sadistic smirk bloomed in his green eyes, and he chimed, "Now go vacuum."

"What?!" Hidan protested, caught off guard. Where did the fluffy heartwarming goo go to?! As much as it made him want to barf, if it got him out of chore he wanted it back. Right now! "That is so not fucking fair! I hate you.''

"Haha. No you don't."

He stopped, speechless, because for once in his miserable life, Kakuzu was right. Damn.


	14. Blood Spatter Is Joy

**A/N: **This chapter is more of a filler than anything, but it does have a few parts that might get mentioned later. I wrote most of it in one day, so I surprised myself. XD Muse works in mysterious ways…

Thank you to all my wonderful reviews, and let the amusing KakuHida ensue…!

Disclaimer: I'm not Kishimoto. X3

--

Hello Lovely, I Hate You

Chapter Fourteen

Early morning in the Happy-Charlie-Kakuzu-And-Hidan-Wonderland-House. All were in bed dreaming contentedly, not a care in the world.

…Well, most of them.

_Whoa. Are you fucking kidding me?_

Usually Hidan's dreams were filled with random sludge monsters or homicidal maniacs out to get him… (And those weren't nightmares to him, by the way. He _enjoyed _them. Crazy Jashinist. Although, what else could you expect, really?) Oh, he'd never seen anything like _this _in his dreams before. Nothing, ever.

He was looking down on a quaint little scene; of a boy clutching a video and tugging on his mother's sleeve excitedly. What were his dreams doing, being so suddenly heart warming…? Seriously, _this _was more like his definition of a nightmare.

But that wasn't even the weirdest part. The bratty kid had a frightening resemblance to Kakuzu, for fuck's sake. Thick messy black hair, dark skin… Only shorter and without tattoos. Kind of hard to believe that shrimpy thing could possibly grow into such a miserly sex god, but whatever. It was only a dream, as far as Hidan knew.

Mini Kuzu was waving the video in his mother's face. "Mommy, mommy! Guess what?!"

"What, honey…?" The woman muttered tiredly, nearly getting whacked in the eye.

"No, you have to guess!" The boy complained, and Hidan squinted to see what movie he was using as a dangerous weapon. It was some horror movie or another, judging by the blood stained cover.

"WHAT?!" His mother roared, not in the mood to play games. Obviously.

Mini Kuzu didn't seem fazed at all by her growling voice. He grinned widely and exclaimed, "When I grow up, I wanna be a _zombie!"_

A…A ZOMBIE?!

_Okay, this is officially the best dream ever. Fuck yes! _Hidan burst into laughter inside his head, which spilled over into reality and woke him up in one of the best moods he'd ever had.

"Kuzu! Kuzu, wake your ass up!" He chuckled, shaking the still sleeping (and naked, ooh la la…) body next to him. "You gotta hear this, it's amazing! I'm not even kidding, dude!"

Not surprisingly, his not-boyfriend wasn't in such good spirits. Waking up to someone yelling in your ear after a few days of being poked and prodded by doctors and nurses can do that to a person.

He rolled over and opened one eye with the most evil death glare he could muster. "This. Had fucking. BETTER. Be important. Or I will fucking feed you to Charlie."

Oblivious to the malice, Hidan grinned. "Jashin, I swear. You're gonna love this. I totally had this dream, right? And you were in it."

"Ooh, big whoop. We live in the same damn house. I think maybe I might show up in one of your twisted wet dreams. Jesus, what time is it?!" He yawned, trying to blink away his grogginess.

"Hey, shut up! It wasn't a wet dream. Pervert!"

"I don't care. Can we get this over with? I need to turn on the coffee maker…"

Hidan ignored him and rattled on. "You were a kid. Like, three fucking feet tall. And—"

"Oh god. Are you a pedophile right along with being an idiot? Well here's news for you, child molester. Whether I'm three feet tall or nearly seven, I'd _still _top."

"Damn it, quit interrupting me!"

"This is coming from the one who had no problems with interrupting my sleep?" Kakuzu raised an eyebrow skeptically. "Bloody hypocrite…"

_You're such a grouch in the morning. _"ANYWAY, it was really weird because of what you told your mom. I'm not even kidding you, you said you wanted to be a _zombie _when you grew up. Like, what the fuck?! A _zombie, _man! …Hey, Ku- Kuzu? What's up with the strange look on your face right now…?"

He was staring blankly, shock running rampant in his wide green eyes. "How the hell did you know that?" The man asked in astonishment, pausing from getting dressed with an arm halfway through a shirt sleeve. "I never told you that, did I?"

Hidan laughed dryly in disbelief. "Whoa, so what are you saying? You did want to be a zombie?"

"God, I _remember _telling her that! How did you know that?!"

Okay, now that was just slightly creepy. His dream spied on Kakuzu's past? Creepy. Creepy all over. Yet sort of amusing, if only to see his boyfriend freak out about it.

Hang on, did he think _boyfriend_ then?

Plain old boyfriend, not a not-boyfriend?

Damn.

He had.

And somehow that made him smile a little bit to himself before turning back to Kuzu and what all he was saying.

"I had seen my first horror movie that day…it started an obsession that lasted for a while, actually." _(Haha. I wonder _where _you got your fucking sadistic ideas from, hm? _Hidan scoffed inside his head.) "And my tattoos. They're because of that. Because my mother told me I couldn't be a zombie, and it pissed me off. So one day, I randomly, not to mention stupidly, got these to prove her wrong even though by then I was like twenty-something years old…"

The Jashinist cocked his head and glanced at his face. Yeah, he could see it, now that Kakuzu mentioned it. Maybe he should have figured it out before, because the miser wasn't at all the type of person to do something major like that for totally no reason. "Dude, your mini self must have been pretty hard-core."

"Um…wow, time to shut up. And get dressed. Oh, and by the way, stay the fuck out of my past! Now you really do sound like a pedophile…"

"Fuck you!"

"Fuck you too."

Ah, the usual playful exchange.

Out of the hospital and right back to normal. Or abnormal, depending on who was looking at it…

--

Hidan scurried back to his room for clothes, and turned on his CD player full force as usual, and to a song that he knew Kakuzu hated. (For the sake of getting under his skin. So what if he was still recovering? Too bad. It was too much damn fun. And after starting the day off with such a freaky dream, Hidan was ready to be as annoying as possible. Aside from that, he had a few days of being _nice _to make up for.)

He grinned as he heard Kakuzu realize what was playing. "Oh, come on. He's not…he's not playing Mindless Self Indulgence _again, _is he? Hidan! QUIT IT!"

And thus, the grin exploded into laughter. MSI was about the only thing _music-wise _that they disagreed on, which was sort of ironic considering they were what had brought them together. Hidan sand along to the words, not about to obey the order to turn it off. "You stupid motherfucker, you stupid motherfucker, you stupid moth---" And then, attack of his short attention span! (Surprise, surprise…) "Oh! Oh dude, look! It snowed!" He stopped singing when he glanced out the window.

White blankets spread out across the yard, and suddenly he was the one behaving like a three foot tall child. Forget about Mini Kuzu. Snow always made Hidan neglect the tiny reality he was a full grown man with a swearing problem.

Plus, snow was a wonderful opportunity for him to praise Jashin.

Praise Jashin a la human sacrifice, that is, which much outshined the usual self sacrifice routine in value. And since technically the police didn't really appreciate murder, what better way that to sacrifice a snowman instead?

In no more than two minutes, Hidan had thrown on clothes and a coat, switched off his music excitedly, and torn outside to start work on a snowman; leaving Kakuzu even more bewildered than he'd been to hear about the albino's dream. All he saw was that the rough and tough bad mouthed man had leaped into the snow and had started playing in it.

Like, what the hell…?

It nearly made his heart stop, despite all the healthy food he always made a point to eat.

"Jesus fucking Christ, he's lost his mind…" Collapsing into a chair with Charlie, he watched Hidan make a fool out of himself for the whole neighborhood to see. Living with that freak was so tiring. Oh, he didn't even want to know why he was building a snowman. And so, embarrassed to the brim, he sat there and was content with watching. He had no problem with it really, and he would have left it be, but when Hidan skewered the snowman in its neck violently with a shovel, Kakuzu had to leap up and dart outside.

"WHAT THE FLYING FUCK IS THIS?!"

"Oh, Kuzu! Isn't it pretty?" Hidan smiled brightly, waving at him before he dug the shovel in more.

"What the hell are you doing to that snowman?!" Kakuzu panted, entirely lost.

"Um, I'm killing it? Duh?"

"'THAT'S THE FUCKING PROBLEM."

The Jashinist smirked. "You know, I think my little swearing habit might be wearing off on you. But in any case, the _real _problem here is that my snowman cannot be considered completely dead until there's blood too. If I strike a sexy pose or something, do you think you could maybe get a nosebleed? Please?"

Flabbergasted, Kakuzu sputtered, "You…you're kidding me, right…?"

"Um, that would be a no. I'm serious. Seriously. Can't you manage even a tiny nosebleed? I mean, I guess I could use food colouring if I had to, but real blood would be best…"

"Food colouring. That is the motherfucking best you'll get. And you don't even deserve that."

"Aw, have a heart, man!" Hidan complained, shrugging. "For a guy who gets tattoos to look like a zombie, you really suck at enjoying some nice gore."

"Well…damn it, you're right." He mumbled, hating to contradict his former horror movie obsessions. "Meh. I'll be right back. But you're still not getting any real blood."

Moments later, he returned with a bottle of lovely crimson food colouring, which Hidan whooped with joy when he saw. The zealot grabbed it excitedly and expertly splashed it around. He was admittedly quite talented in the display.

Hm, something he was _good _at.

Who would've guessed?

--

The pair was soon safely back inside the house, washing red stains from their hands. Had someone walked in on them at the sink, they might have really been mistaken for murderers.

Yet even though they weren't murderers of anything more than snowmen, not everybody appreciated their…ah, _scene_ in the front yard.

A damp towel in his hands, Kakuzu wandered into his living room to look out the window just in time to see a near-petrified neighbor storming up the driveway and glaring in disgust at the mutilated snowman. "Oh, shit. Hidan! Quick, go turn on some music load so we can pretend we didn't hear them banging on the door to yell at us!"

"Yikes. Right away…!"

One thing that Kakuzu hadn't thought about was the MSI CD that had never been taken out. _Ohh, double shit. Am I really _that _stupid? _He cringed as the goddamned song invaded his ears yet again.

"You stupid mother FUCKER, you stupid mother FUCKER…"

And on.

And on.

And ON.

Victory for the day undeniably went to Hidan.

--

**A/N: **Moohaha. Kuzu's aversion to that song (Stupid MF) is directly taken from real life, via my lovely ChiChi. XD She hates it; I love it. Sorry Chi…I had to. -mwah- You know I love you. –dodges flying tomato-

See you all next time! -grin-


	15. It's Only Illegal If You Get Caught

**A/N: **Shoot me. Please just shoot me. I have no excuses. I took over three months to update and there is no excuse for this. D8 I could say my muse died, which is true, but I didn't try to get it back. So still. It's all my fault and I deserve to be shot. Please hate me. I need hated. Really. It's true. But I shall try to make up for it with this chapter, which is where things start to get a little bit more dramatic, still stay funny, and get kinky as well. :3 Peace?

Also, I'm going to my third anime convention on May 31st. X3 Garasu no Shi Con. I'm going to cosplay as Germany from Axis Powers Hetalia. 8D Ludwig~!

Blah. In any case…

I don't own Naruto, which I'm happy about, because I hate it. XD Except for the characters, clearly...

--

--

Hello Lovely, I Hate You

.x. Chapter Fifteen .x.

Life is the perception of your own reality. Hidan frequently grew very bored with the dry reality of the world, so he pretended. When Kakuzu often told him that he acted like an overgrown, vulgar child, he had to agree. This was especially true on the lovely occasion they went grocery shopping.

_Together._

It was bad enough when they weren't in the generally tranquil public, and Kakuzu knew this, but he was reluctant to leave Hidan all alone in the house. Charlie was off at the groomer's for the day, so there wouldn't be a single sane person there to watch him if he were left there.

In a nutshell, that would likely mean that something would be broken before the miser got back to quell Hidan's klutzy damage.

He never considered what damage he was also very capable of doing at the grocery store.

--

Hidan was hyper, in a watered down word. Not like he _meant _to keep knocking into displays or anything, they just kept getting in his way. Go figure. Certainly it wouldn't be the first time he accidentally ran into something. (Primary example: one particularly ill tempered killjoy of a man, more commonly known as 'Kuzu-chan'. …Twice.)

He was really putting in an honest effort to be good, though. Being accident prone is entirely different than being bad. Why wouldn't Kuzu so much as _try _to understand that? Such a disappointment. Times like this were what made Hidan lose faith in the human race one person at a time.

"H-hey! Would you _quit _that already?!" The miser barked, eyes darting around to see how many people were watching as another grand stack of soup cans nearly fell over.

Chuckling with supreme amusement, the Jashinist twirled in place like a ballerina. "Embarrassed, honey?"

A blush spread over his already dark skin, and Kakuzu wished he'd worn his mask. "Don't call me honey in public, you stupid bastard…!"

"You _know _you love the attention. Especially when it's from gorgeous ol' me."

"That is not true and you know it. Now shut up, stop dancing, and behave!"

"Haha. You know, if you think about it, I could totally call children's services on you if you were my mother, dude." Having far too much fun to quit just yet, Hidan ignored him and continued right on pirouetting.

"_Damn _it, I am not your goddamn mother! You've seen me naked, and I don't have a motherfucking vagina!"

That particular defiant, angry quip made him practically choke on his laughter. Oh, this was too went on with it gleefully. "So, mommy. Would you rather me make a scene having a tantrum because you won't buy me the super sugary cereal, or 'cause you won't buy me a pack of those little plastic soldiers over there?"

Evidently Kakuzu didn't feel the need to honour that with a response. Restraining himself from whacking the albino upside the head or charging at him with the shopping cart; he collected his frayed nerves and resumed gathering items on his list. (And this was a damn hard feat to accomplish, mind you.)

Hidan's lower lip protruded in a pout. "Awh, you're no fun. Fuck you."

"…That all depends on whether or not I let you, Hidan."

Now if that wasn't suggestive, the Jashinist didn't know what else could be. His interest definitely piqued, he tugged on the taller man's sleeve. "Hey, hey. Don't walk away from me, especially after something like that! Are you saying we could, ah, _you know_? 'Cause in _that _case, I'll totally be on my best behavior and everything, seriously! Kuzu? Hey, Kuzu…?"

"Giddy fool. Are you high?"

"No, I'm always like this…you know that, you live with me."

"Ha. And I haven't the slightest idea how I manage that…"

"Pissy bastard." Hidan rolled his eyes. "But still, you never actually answered me."

With a sigh, Kakuzu stared at him. "What do you think? But you have to behave."

"…I'll behave _until _we get back to the house. But only _until._"

"Swear to your precious Jashin."

Aghast, Hidan sputtered, "But, but! That's playing dirty, you bastard! I can't swear to Jashin, 'cause if I do and then a mess up, that would be so damnable it's not even funny…!"

The miser smirked at his choice of words. "This coming from the man who likes it dirty."

"Shut the hell up, or Jashin-sama will strike you dead too, just for mocking him." Growled the zealot, feeling abused. A scowl painted his face, but he submitted anyway. It wasn't such a tragedy really, considering how he wasn't exactly the greatest of ballerinas.

--

As soon as the lock un-clicked in the door and their feet stepped over the threshold, Hidan was all over Kakuzu. His face pressed up to his neck, his lips kissing patterns on his skin, playfully running his tongue over his earlobe…all of the things he knew Kakuzu loved.

Nothing pissed Hidan off more than when Kakuzu acted like none of this affected him; and _damn _it, he was a good actor. All the fucking ass did was put on a stupid little half smile and go right along putting away groceries as if there wasn't at all a very attractive, very horny man clinging to him.

And so the pouty face was back on, and he shuffled over to the corner to stare at him broodingly. Turning away from him, he muttered, "I hate you."

Laughing quietly, Kakuzu reached for him. Fucking _finally. _"Don't be that way. Get over here, I'm just teasing you, idiot." He leaned in for a heavy kiss the moment he had him safely in his arms, and pressed him against the wall. Eager to please, Hidan pressed his body into the other's. But just as soon as he did this, the telephone found it oh so perfect a time to start ringing.

_Fucking motherfucker. I hate you._

Annoyed, Kakuzu didn't bother pulling away any farther than he needed to. Still holding on to Hidan with one arm, he groped for the phone with the other hand. Propping it up to his ear, he murmured through a half kiss, "Hello…? Who is--"

As the voice answered, his face fell and he shoved entirely away from Hidan. Swatting at him to go away, he listened intently, nervously.

Hidan knew right away this couldn't possibly be good news. It wasn't often he got so blatantly dismissed. And as well, the look in Kakuzu's eyes gave him a majorly awful gut feeling.

Naturally, this meant he had to go upstairs and find the other telephone to eavesdrop.

Retreating to the upstairs, he lightly listened in. He didn't recognize the voice, but Kakuzu sure as hell did. And apparently quite well, and he didn't sound happy to hear it again.

"What are you calling me for?" He hissed at the caller.

"I heard that you were in the hospital a while ago, Kakuzu. Some fool hit you with a _car?_"

"Yeah, but…it was nothing. Expensive, but I have insurance. Wait, who the hell told you that?"

"My, ah…my aunt works at the desk, and she recognized your name. She wasn't sure if we were still together, so she told me."

"Madara. You know it's over."

Madara? Hidan's heart trembled. Wasn't that the person he'd been told about in the car on the way to the concert? Kakuzu's ex? Well, shit. His eyes narrowed, and hands clenched. He'd very much like to strangle him. What did he think he was doing calling after whatever he'd done to hurt Kakuzu?

But more than any of the anger, Hidan was feeling slightly and uncomfortably threatened that Kakuzu wasn't hanging up, and that his voice was soft like he missed him.

After a short silence, Madara returned, "Over once doesn't mean there can't be a time to try again."

"I… You… Look, it won't work out."

"If you say so. But you always say so, and on occasion you _have _been known to be wrong. For instance, do you remember that one night when you claimed I wouldn't be able to—"

"Yes, I remember. God, I almost forgot about that." He sniggered, sighing. "That was incredibly kinky, though."

Hidan had to keep very hard from growling into the phone.

Laughing some as well, Madara offered, "Are you sure you're alright? After the idiot hitting you, I mean? Should I come see you?"

Kakuzu stopped. "See…me?"

"I know where you live, of course. Assuming it's still the same. I should know, I helped you buy it…"

"Mm. I've got to say I'm glad you let me keep it all to myself after you moved out…"

"Ah. Of course…but you never said if I could come see you or not."

No answer.

"Kakuzu…? Are you still there…?"

Shit, shit, shit. The zealot was panicking. He had to do something to get his attention and pry him away. Quickly, before Kakuzu had a chance to answer, Hidan cupped a hand over his phone and yelled, "HEY, I'M BORED AND IF YOU DON'T COME HERE SOON I'LL GET BLOOD ALL OVER YOUR FLOOR AGAIN!"

That did its job.

Hell yes.

"Oh, crap. Listen, I have to go, alright?" Kakuzu muttered hastily, and hung up before rushing upstairs to his carpet's rescue.

Hidan was quick to get rid of the evidence of eavesdropping and splay himself on Kakuzu's bed, grinning like a fiend. "So. We still on for some fun? I did behave. But I'm tired of behaving…would you please take advantage of me already?"

But that grin was only a mask over the true worry in his head. He hated complications. He hated feeling threatened.

He loved being able to have someone like Kakuzu who was actually able to cope with his crazy attitude problems with just as much intensity.

Oh, he would so much rather keep the things that he loved than have them being steadily tugged away by something he couldn't even put a picture to yet.

But wouldn't anyone?

_Damn it, Kuzu. If I knew how to tell you I love you, what would you say back?_

And he truly didn't know.

--

**A/N: **Hopefully that isn't too terrible of a peace offering? Owo;


	16. Stupidity and His Subordinates Say Hello

**A/N: **Almost-time-for-climaxes for the win…?

Definitely not writer's block for the win. I can tell you that one for sure. DX I think I finally scared it away.

This chapter took up ten pages in my notebook. 8D It involves kink, Madara, answers, and angst. Hooray.

I do not own Naruto, yo. (Still.)

Oh, and by the way, since March tenth is my birthday, the 310th reviewer gets a request story written for them! X3 Because I love you so much~. And also because KakuHida requests are so fun, man. I adore KakuHida requests to pieces~.

--

.x.x.x.

Hello Lovely, I Hate You

Chapter Sixteen

.x.x.x.

It was the sort of quiet in the house that was _too_ quiet, and that was specifically the sort of thing that always alerted Kakuzu that it was not only his house, but _Jashin's _house as well.

He hated Jashin. Hated. If the ridiculous blood sacrifices weren't so heavy on the cleaning bills, he wouldn't have minded so much, but they _were. _Hidan was simply just going to have to deal with the fact that Kakuzu was sick of his goddamn fucking Jashin and his monthly _sacrifice quotas._

In any case, the overwhelming silence in the house soon resulted in a very hotheaded Kakuzu storming upstairs and stopping in front of the zealot's closed door. Lately, his therapist had been suggesting he try counting to ten before exploding with the wrath of a titan. He made it to six before deciding to quit the idiotic therapy sessions and promptly wrenching open the door to discover a lovely puddle of blood and a surprised, knife wielding Hidan.

"Oi, fucktard! You just interrupted something _sacred, _you know?!"

An intense sniper's glare stared steadily. "Didn't we have this talk before…?"

"What, the one about you going to hell if you don't quit barging in on these delicate ceremonies?" Hidan snipped back in fast rebuttal. "We can have that one again, if you want a refresher course."

"Always up for a sermon, aren't you?" Scoffed Kakuzu as he folded his arms across his chest.

"Excuse me, mister back-sass?" Taking offense, the albino pointed the stained knife at his lover. "If you're trying to insult me…"

With a snort, Kakuzu advanced confidently and pried the knife away, placing it safely on top of a bookcase. Flinching once, Hidan allowed himself to be boxed in against one spattered wall. Feigning concern, the tattooed miser examined the injuries. "You are bleeding, I see… Bleeding…" He smirked as he stared down at the trapped prey.

"Y-yeah, so what? What d'you intend to do about that…? Like, lick my blood or something kinky like that?"

"Mmm, that sounds like a _wonderful _idea, actually." Kakuzu responded merrily, dragging Hidan's dripping arm up to his mouth. His eyes grinned as he ran his tongue slowly over the cuts, drinking up the red iron. He watched, pleased as the corners of Hidan's own mouth twitched in ecstasy.

The Jashinist reached for Kakuzu, urging his head back up. He kissed him, savouring the miser's cinnamon taste mixed with the blood. Pleased by Hidan's eager reception, Kakuzu held him more firmly against the wall. Bringing his knee up, he pressed into Hidan's groin, dragging a lustful moan out of his throat.

"Kuzu…when was the last time I told you I hate you…? I – _ahh _– hate you so…_so _much—"

"You only say that to make me angry," he murmured calmly, breath tickling Hidan's sweaty skin.

"'Cause you're so fuckin' _sexy _when you're angry!" Hidan purred, trying to wrap himself around the other man, but only to find that request denied as Kakuzu pulled away. "Hey! The hell are you going?" He pouted, disappointed.

Kakuzu smirked, wiping his mouth. "You're such a whore."

"I am _not."_

"Are too." Grinned the dark man in response, returning his arms to their former crossed position. "However, whether you're a whore or not, you can consider what just happened as…ah, as an _incentive _to clean up this 'sacrificial' mess. Get my drift?"

"Tch. Bastard."

"Would you like for my offer to go away, honey…?"

"Okay, I'll clean it! Do we have any fucking bleach?"

"Of course we have bleach. It's sort of a necessity to survive around somebody like _you."_

"Fuck you."

"Fuck you, too."

"Go die in a hole someplace lonely, son of a bitch!"

"Whatever, whore." He turned away and waved dismissively. "I'll see you in an hour."

--

Hidan was slaving over stain removal (he'd rather be a sex slave, damn it) when Charlie's frenzied barking announced they had a visitor. A ring from the doorbell confirmed it. Curious who might be stupid enough to come to _their _heavenly house of harmony and purity, he glanced out the window. It was some dude, probably a shady salesman. Pity it wasn't a girl scout selling cookies. Those were so fun to scare the shit out of and con into giving him the cookies for free…

But regaurdless, he didn't think much of it and went back to rubbing the final bit of blood into submission. _Take that, foul fucker…!_

The sound of Kakuzu's feet rushing to greet the man and quieting Charlie (to no avail, as was custom) were nothing more than background noise.

"Charlie baby, shut up, please! It's _okay, _you don't have to bark at every solitary—oh."

"Hey, Kakuzu. And Charlie…"

"We weren't…expecting to see you… Is there any…reason, Madara…?"

And then it became more than only background noise.

Hidan's head jerked up, listening to the conversation downstairs intently.

Now it was _interesting._

Now it was threatening.

_Time to be a super spy, yeah…?_

Heart thumping, he slithered out of his room and down the hallway, peering out from the landing. It was a good view of the front door from there, and let him safely be concealed enough.

Kakuzu hesitated a split second before holding the door open wider. "Here. Come in. I'm sure Charlie won't _kill _you."

Madara stepped in, looking nervously down at the growling little dog. "He never did like me… I wonder why?"

From the landing, Hidan smirked. Good. Hopefully Kuzu would learn something from his dog's opinions. That dog certainly did know a thing or two about who was best suited to be his master's boyfriend, if Hidan had anything to think about it.

"Yeah, I know right?" The door clicked shut, and Kakuzu absently scratched at his temple. "So, ah…why are you here? I told you I'm fine now. The accident was quite a while ago. Quite a while… I told you, right?"

"Oh yes. I'm glad to see that you look fine." He looked him over again, a bit too closely for Hidan's personal comfort. "Very fine."

"…Yeah."

"But that isn't why I'm here, though."

Kakuzu blinked. "It isn't?" Shifting his feet, he uttered, "If…you're here about what you…mentioned on the phone about over not meaning people can't try again…"

Smiling, Madara looked intrigued. His voice silky, he asked innocently, "Have you been thinking about that at all, Kakuzu?"

Lifting his eyes up, he looked searchingly into his former partner's. Dryly, he admitted, "I have. Some."

Hidan's chest burned. _What the hell for? Hello, what about me?_

"Ah. Now I'm surprised, a little." His eyebrows rose against his will. "May I ask…what those thoughts were?"

His mouth was a thin line. "I already know you know I never really got completely over you. But frankly, it would be _stupid _after what all I found out you were doing behind my back."

Madara sighed. "How many times do I have to tell you I was sort of _drunk _at the time?"

Hidan listened carefully, interested to finally get more insight on what all happened between them to end in such a seemingly bitter break up.

"Which time? Which thing? You can't use your substance abuse issues as an excuse for _all _the things you did. Maybe I'll accept it for the time I found you in bed with three other people…_girls, _no less, but… You were _never _sober when I needed you most."

Madara cringed. "I've told you how sorry I am about all that, though…"

The miser sighed now, heavily, like he was trying to exhale out their whole past. "Yeah. You have…"

_Damn it. Don't you _dare _sound like you're starting to miss him, you bastard._

"You know I would never do that to you again, Kakuzu."

"That's _if _we ever tried again…" The 'if' sounded so feeble, like it was breaking into a very high possibility of 'when'.

"Hm. I'm actually very relieved to hear you somewhat agree." A smile twitched on his face. "Very relieved… But that's not why I'm here either."

"What?!" Kakuzu sputtered, jerking in shock. "It's not?!"

_Jesus fucking _Christ, _I _hate _this guy! _Slamming his head into his palm, Hidan wished he could fucking strangle him. Because he so deserved it for dragging Kuzu around in circles. Even if he wasn't meaning to now, Hidan refused to trust him at all. Break a heart once, break it again. Things like that just _happened over and over again. _Hidan knew that from his own experiences.

Madara laughed, shaking his head. "Well, _you _brought it up. I was just going along with your conversation."

"God, Madara…would you please just state your real business now?" Exasperated but still amused (fuck _damn it)_, he tried to hide a grin.

"I feel very stupid about it, but I'm terrible at math. Of course, that's no new news to _you_… Anyway, since we're talking again, would you please be wonderful and help me with my taxes…?"

_You bastard. You bastard, that is not _all _you want, is it?_

_You want him back._

"Um…yeah, I guess."

"I knew you'd be wonderful~." Madara grinned, "I do need to be somewhere else soon though, so I'll leave you alone." He moved to depart (thank you, Jashin), but not before pausing undesirably close to Kakuzu. After considering a very brief moment, he leaned in to peck him a tiny kiss on the cheek. "I'll call you later to make the plans to meet, hm?"

Nothing particular, just a peck.

Nothing particular, just a…

Nothing.

_Oh no he _didn't.

_That fuck faced _bastard. _Oh…_

Taken very off guard, Kakuzu stood rooted and did nothing but mutter his alright.

And Madara was gone again.

Out of the house, but absolutely not out of Hidan's worries. He waited three minutes wondering what to do before casually calling, "So, who was here, Kuzu?"

"Ah…no one in particular."

Not what he'd prefer to hear since that was such a damn lie. "Oh. Okay. Well…I'm done cleaning, shit face. When are you gonna pay me for my labours?"

"Impatient fool, aren't you?" But the fight was not blazing in him as usual. When Kakuzu came up the stairs, his eyes were still visibly shaken and lost somewhere else.

Hidan wanted to make him forget, and only pay attention to the _now. _To the only time that should still matter to him. "Yes, I am impatient. So?"

"Shut up," Kakuzu grabbed him by the wrist, making his wounds throb deliciously. He covered Hidan's mouth with his own, but abruptly stopped, putting his tongue back where it belonged and looking away.

"What's wrong?" Hidan murmured, longing to reach out and tenderly hold him, but well knowing that it wouldn't work.

It didn't stop him from wanting to, though.

"Sorry. I just…not right now." Kakuzu slunk off, collecting Charlie in his arms and disappearing.

The zealot watched, helpless and aching with raw uncertainty. _Kuzu, you're in trouble, aren't you?_

--

--

--


	17. Baby's In Such a Corner

**A/N: **I finished this yesterday but waited until now to post it up because…

One year anniversary~. 8D

I'm, like…in awe. It's already been an entire year since I posted the first chapter of I Hate You. Isn't that so odd? X3 So, I want to send a huge glomp to all the people who have been reading since the beginning~. You rock my fucking socks off, seriously. …Even though I'm actually not wearing any socks right now. I guess that's because you rocked them off…? xD;

Here's part seventeen. :3

…Don't own Naruto. Je suis desolee.

--

Hello Lovely, I Hate You

.x.x. Chapter Seventeen .x.x.

Sleeping was completely not an option. Quite honestly though, how could it be? Whenever Hidan cared enough about something to actually worry about it, he worried something awful. As awful as to start doubting Jashin could help.

Because Jashin surely had better things to do than sort out gigantic messes belonging to only _one _of his disciples. (Clearly though, he had enough time to create them. What an opportunist fucker...)

Dark circles, far too much coffee, and a listless stare had sufficiently all appeared and rooted themselves into the albino by morning. He peeled himself up from his slump against the wall he'd been leaning on all night, and emerged. His walk was an exhausted sort of lurch, which Kakuzu wasn't above noticing.

With one raised eyebrow, he paused in feeding Charlie his bowl of breakfast kibble. After a moment's consideration, he commented sarcastically, "Aren't _we _chipper today…?"

"You can shut up." Hidan snipped, too tired to get any more creative. Yawning, he collapsed into a chair and slammed his face down onto the kitchen table. "I'm going to die. Right here. Direct any complaints to my secretary."

"Sorry, but I don't see your secretary, so I'm going to go ahead and direct them to you." The miser corrected. "You may not die there, because I have someone visiting tonight, and it's not hospitable to have a corpse in the house the same time as they are." He hoisted Hidan back into a proper sitting position roughly.

Hidan's eyes were a dead stare, and his mind fretted behind them. "What? Who's coming…?" Caution was in his voice. The answer likely wasn't going to be a welcome one; he could tell already by Kuzu's demeanor.

Caught, Kakuzu murmured, "A client. That's all. Just a client…taxes." Trying to gather himself, he glanced to his left.

Setting his jaw, the Jashinist mentally cursed. _Yeah, it's that motherfucker, ain't it? _But he remained to tired and helpless to think of a clever rescue plan. "I didn't know you had clients ever come to the house…"

"Well." A nervous swallow. "I sort of know him, so."

"Do you? From where?" All he could manage was to poke and prod until all hope seemed gone.

Hope was fucking fading, man.

Because of the way Kakuzu's face had been the night before when he'd met Madara again.

_Because you never gave it _all _up about him, did you?_

But who needed hope, anyway? Hope was a bitch. Who needed hope, anyway…

So.

Poke.

Prod.

Make Kakuzu hurt like he was unknowingly making Hidan hurt, right?

Hidan was trying.

His heart wasn't in it.

God damn it, why wasn't his heart in it?

"Um, actually, it's Madara." The dark man admitted, the name of his ex lingering in the air as he thought of other, old days.

_Because my fuckin' heart's getting smashed in your fingers, Kuzu._

"Oh." Hidan said simply, standing.

"Yeah. It's Madara…"

"Do you want me to disappear when he gets here?" Attempting a sneer, it wasn't working out for some reason. Annoyed, he tried it again, and it turned out a little bit better. "Cuz, I mean. It's not like you'd ever trust me to be a good, quiet little boy, yeah?"

Kakuzu seemed to sense something was wrong with his roommate that he wasn't saying, but he merely flicked his wrist absently. "Whatever. I don't…really care, but sure."

Hidan cringed, heart crumbling against his limp will. "Fine, bastard. I'll disappear."

Studying the zealot strangely, the other man blinked and quipped, "Look, do you have a hangover or something? You're acting rather off… Odd. Odd even for a person like you. Is something _wrong…_?"

"No!" He snapped quickly, recovering. "I'm peachy."

The albino was angry at himself for being sad and for giving up, not at Kakuzu for wanting to be with Madara.

Since that _was _what he seemed to want lately, wasn't it? Madara? Madara back in his life, stuck right in proper position to go out and ruin it again?

Hidan was scared.

Hidan read too far ahead when he was scared.

"If you say so…"

_You want him, Kuzu…? You want him and your photo album of old months back? Go right on ahead, baby. I couldn't stop you._

_I only fell in love with you and never told you._

Through that sleepless night, he'd gotten himself convinced that there was only one ending option.

Only the tragic one.

--

"Zetsu, my man, Jashin-sama hates me."

"We wouldn't say _that…"_

Hidan had taken his own wretched advice of disappearing shortly before Madara was scheduled to arrive at the house, and was drinking himself even more miserable. Having recruited Zetsu to go to the bar with him, he was working himself up into a total drunken wreck of frazzled nerves and love lost. Downing yet another shot of alcohol, the zealot moaned. "I'm fucked. I'm fucked, to the maximum level of fuckage! And there ain't nothing I can do about it, and Kuzu loves Mister Asshole and _damn it_, I'm _drunk_!"

Sympathetic, Zetsu patted him on the back, which only made matters worse because Hidan's current impaired state of equilibrium nearly made him fall off the bar stool. Steadying his frantic friend, Zetsu offered, "We could kill him for you if you'd like."

"Kill who? Me, Kuzu, or Mister Asshole?"

"Well… …We were thinking of Madara, but we could also kill you or Kuzu-baby, too. …Only if you pay us in advance, though. Especially if you want us to kill _you, _you'd need to give us the cash in advance. …You understand, yes?"

Wallowing, Hidan inspected the empty assortment of bottles around him. Why didn't beer, like, instantly replenish itself? That would have been so convenient seriously… He wasn't feeling collected enough to hail the bartender and get them more drinks. "Thanks for the offer, but…"

"But what?"

"I dunno." Closing his eyes, he tried to think straight.

Kakuzu.

Kakuzu was the only person who had truly mattered to him for as much of his life as he could recall.

"I'm a pain for him. He's told me all the time, Zet."

"…I don't think I like the sound of that coupled with the look in your eyes."

"I'm thinkin'. Let me think."

He and the miser might have had something going on at one point, but… What of it? Hidan simply couldn't be sure if he hadn't been imagining it the entire blissful time. It was a longstanding _fact _that he was a fool, an idiot, a downright clueless idiot when it came to trying to keep a romance.

(Was that because he wasn't destined for one, or because he always ran away 'just in case'? Trying to 'protect' himself and the other person?"

_I always ruin it in the end._

Wasn't that true?

Yes?

Say yes…?

Say yes and make it _easy._

Say yes and make the pit in his stomach whispering to him that he was making a huge mistake go _away, _please, Jashin.

_Please, _Jashin.

_That's how it's been all the other times. That's how it _would _be this time._

_So I can't let there be a this time._

_So I have to let Kakuzu go._

Couldn't he be wrong in his nasty suspicions about Madara? Madara did say he wouldn't ever repeat those things that he'd done to destroy their last relationship again.

_Damn it, I'm trying to make a silver lining here, Jashin. Couldn't you help me out at all? Just this once?_

_No…?_

_…Fine._

_I would say 'Fuck you', but that'd get my ass kicked straight to hell._

He opened his eyes painfully and turned to Zetsu, suddenly feeling much more sober than he wished he did. "Do you think I could crash at your place for a little while, man?"

Both of the man's split personalities, in shock, chimed, "_What? _Excuse us…? But did you ask us if…?"

"Yeah. I'm moving out."

_Kuzu?_

_This is for you, okay?_

_Have fun with your fucking Mada-kins, okay…?_

_This is for _you, _I said…right?_

--

--

**A/N: **Oh, Hidan, damn it. D8 Don't be stupid like that!

To be continued in part eighteen. Coming out soon, with any non-writer's block luck. xD;


	18. I Will Break Every Mirror In Your Name

**A/N: **I have nothing to say for myself in my defense. It has been almost a year since chapter seventeen came out. I don't care at all for Naruto anymore, as far as the story, but I do still have love for some of the characters, Kuzu and Hidan included. I miss the glory days…

Anyway, what I'm getting at is that I do very much want to finish this story. I switched email addresses and ignored my old one, which soon got filled with over 600 messages, a lot of them begging me to update different things. So that's what I'll try to do. :]

Thanks for sticking with me.

I own nothing.

* * *

Hello Lovely, I Hate You

18

* * *

The lights were on in the house as Hidan approached; he could see them through the drawn curtains. There were two shapes inside as well, of two men who didn't seem to be doing anything terrible with each other. Kakuzu and Madara (fucking piece of shit…) were just sitting there, doing exactly what Kuzu had said they would be doing: filing taxes like good boys. Yet, Hidan had to close his eyes and mouth, begging for his chest to stop hurting.

This was supposed to be the end, because it was what was best for everyone.

Kakuzu wanted Madara, whether or not he wasn't jumping his bones right then and there.

Hidan was a burden and a foolish little child, not at all the kind of organized person Kakuzu would be happy spending a lifetime with.

The zealot's heart was like a speaker pressed to its limit of sound. And moment now it would blow out and be rendered useless. Dead. Finished.

After a few more moments of hesitation, Hidan willed his feet to take him up the sidewalk and up to the door. His fingers were beyond tentative as they first touched the cool silver handle, and they couldn't help but remember how it felt to touch Kakuzu's skin. After this, they would be forbidden to ever touch it again. Even Charlie's soft fur would go away.

Hidan didn't want this.

He opened the door and crossed the thresh hold anyway.

_Is this the house of heaven or of hell?_

It was of no matter what house it was. The house belonged to Kakuzu and Charlie, and never Hidan. _I am a freeloader, remember? I do not belong here. I am a misplaced doll that someone found on the street. I am dirty and cracked, and they should not want me. Kakuzu can afford a better doll than me. I need to get out of his house before he notices my ugliness and smashes me against the wall. If anyone shatters me, I want to be the one to do it._

Madarafuck was the first to notice Hidan's arrival. As the suffering albino took in the angular, handsome face, it was as if his soul shuddered out. "Ah, Kakuzu… Who is this? Your roommate, I presume…?"

Putting down a black pen, Kakuzu nodded. "Hidan. You're a bit early. I thought you had some sort of plans tonight? Out with that crazy Zetsu, or someone?"

Charlie, who had been half asleep in his doggie bed, stirred at the mention of his favourite Jashinist friend. Please, he raised a shaggy head and stretched, starting to come forward. However, Hidan put out a hand to stop him, smiling at him a bit wistfully. "Sorry, boy. But I have to go away, now. Don't be sad, okay?"

"What? What are you talking about _now?"_

Instead of looking at Kakuzu, knowing that it would hurt too much, Hidan addressed Madara. "Actually, I'm his ex-roommate. I'm going to move out. Tomorrow, in fact."

"What?" Kakuzu interjected, but Hidan did not listen or explain. Getting this far was fucking hard enough. He absolutely did not want to be talked out of it once and have to do it again. And, as well as he had come to know that damned, beautiful miser, Hidan knew it would be all too easy to be talked out of leaving.

Madara was excellent at feigning polite interest. "Are you really? I must say, I'm surprised. Kakuzu tells me you've been around for a while. Yet, of course, that in _itself _is surprising to me, since you _did _put him in the hospital once."

An equally fake, polite response left Hidan. "Oh, that is true, I'm afraid. I feel so terrible about it. Truthfully, it's one of the reasons why I'm leaving…" Not really, but it sounded good, and Madara seemed to accept it well.

"Wait a minute," Kakuzu tried again, hot with annoyance, "when the hell were you planning to tell me this, Hidan?"

Innocently, he answered, "I'm telling you now, aren't I?" Careful, he made sure to look at the empty wall above the tan man's head instead of into his cherished face. "Look… I'll come get my shit later. But I have to go." He whipped around and moved to leave.

"Wait, I'm not satisfied—"

Kakuzu's voice went away when Hidan slammed the door behind him.

* * *

His hands didn't start shaking on the wheel of his car until he had safely driven a few miles away. "Jashin, what did I… What did I just do to myself…?" He whispered, his eyes strangely glassy.

The sudden, harsh Slipknot ringtone of his cell phone, sitting in the passenger seat, startled him, and he nearly swerved off onto the other side of the median line. "Fuck!" He swore, cringing at the infuriated horns of the other motorists. Fumbling to get his phone, Hidan tried to steer with one hand. Checking the caller ID before opening it to answer, his skin went slick and icy.

_No. I will not fucking answer this._

'Kuzu', the screen flashed at him, daring him to break every desperate promise he had made.

_No. No, I will _not _fucking answer this. Okay?_

Swallowing back the acrid taste that crept up in his mouth, he thrust down the phone. It stopped ringing, only to start over immediately after. Kakuzu again.

Damn it. Damn it all.

_I am damned._

He plucked up the phone, rolled down the driver side window, and tossed his persistent phone out onto the road, where it was swiftly crushed under the tires of the car behind Hidan.

_I said I wouldn't answer you._

_I'm sorry, Kuzu. Kakuzu…_

_You wouldn't understand. You know, you never did understand me, how stupid I can act. You always told me. And here's me, telling you… I don't understand myself, but this is all I can do. All I can be._

* * *

Back at the bar, Zetsu had told Hidan that he would keep the door to his apartment unlocked. Hidan found it as such, and slunk in defeated and dead. Zetsu was snoring on the couch, not anything as attractive as a sleeping Kakuzu was.

He sighed and padded to the kitchen, where he found a suitable knife. Once in the bathroom, sure to lock the door, Hidan took off his shirt and stared at his telling scars in the mirror. Oh, to remember the way Kuzu had traced each one of them when they made love, kissing the agony out of them…

His eyes eventually traveled to his own face, which he didn't particularly want to look at, either. His throat wanted to cry, but it did not. His mouth wanted to scream, but it did not.

_I am a ghost, _he decided.

The knife danced on his skin, presumably for Jashin, foremost. Yet, he wondered tonight if it was actually for Kakuzu.

_Fuck._

_I am a ghost._

* * *

**A/N: **This time, when I say I hope to update soon, I mean it. :'D

I love you, guys. Sorry if it's ever seemed like I forgot you. Dx I haven't, I never have. Reading your reviews makes me feel a shitload better about myself. If somebody, if anybody thinks that maybe I'm worth it, I am. Whether I'm depressed or not.

But most importantly, I'm not dead.

I'm a beast. xD;

(Who's kind of melting in this ridiculous heat wave, but whatevs.)

EVERYONE, HAVE A FANTASTIC DAY!


	19. Wounded Feel Most Alive in a Graveyard

**A/N: **Um, hi. Dx I think I broke my promise again. But I'll have a study hall this year, so maybe I'll write…? Owo; Anyway, school starts tomorrow for me. I'm a junior this year. To think that it's been so long since I began this story…

Enjoy chapter nineteen, my dears. :D Thank you for putting up with me. Ily.

* * *

Hello Lovely, I Hate You

Chapter Nineteen

* * *

After that miserable, sleepless night staring into the mirror at Zetsu's, Hidan secured a shitty apartment of his own and filled it with what meager possessions he could salvage from his room at Kakuzu's. (He had made sure to go back while Kuzu was at work and Charlie was taking a nap.) It was a tiny, dingy place, and did not grow on him whether he had soon spent four months there or not. Time was not a friend to him. Rather, it was a ruthless enemy that would never stop scolding him for his mistakes.

Lonliness was the most familiar face he knew.

Before he had met Kuzu, the Jashinist had lived in a similar fashion. Fast food, dirty rooms, little high society influence. Such a simple life before had seemed perfect. However, now Hidan understood what he _could _have.

Every so often he would call on an old acquaintance for a quick fuck, but that was nothing more than a bad distraction. No pleasure came from that, but Jashin wasn't spilling any other methods of Kuzu-replacement.

There was more beer than food in the refrigerator (which was mainly of the microwavable variety).

He listened to metal in attempt to release anger, but was only successful in accidentally blowing out his speakers.

_I should go on a talk show… Those people are always looking for dumb asses like me. Hey, at least someone would fucking feel sorry for me. I can make a convincing victim, even though this is all my fault._

"…But I had to," said a smaller voice. It was the voice of a scared child, hiding from the rain under a slide, wide eyes begging for forgiveness from the world.

"You know what, Zetsu, my old friend?"

"We don't know anything! Wait, what?" He sputtered, nearly choking on his latest swallow of beer. "Um, sorry. What?"

"Why are you freaking out? Eh, whatever." Zetsu was a weird dude, and him saying random things was not unordinary. "Ah, anyway. I was just thinking, that's all. It wasn't important. In fact, I forgot what I was going to fucking say…"

"Oh," Zetsu breathed, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. "Well. That's okay. Um. We apologize for your short term memory loss…?"

Hidan laughed, giving his friend a strange look. "Man, you sound guilty about something. What's up? Aw, hell, you're not in trouble with the mob again, are you? I'm not putting my ass on the line to cover for you again—"

"No, no! It's nothing like that! We learned our lesson with the mob a long time ago." Shivering, Zetsu denied the allegation. "We, um. We're fine."

"Whatever, dude." Hidan sighed and put his feet up on the coffee table. Absently swirling the liquid in his beer can, he wondered if this was all he'd ever get out of his existence anymore. It was good enough…he didn't demand much, just enough alcohol and razor blades and Jashin to distract himself from his failure to thrive. Oh, all that bullshit he'd been fed in high school about how life was going to be beautiful and they would all grow up to become successful world conquerors…fuck that. This was fine enough. _I swear it's fine enough… If I go around demanding more, I'll only be disappointed. _He was a realist now. Life sucks and then you die and get to go party in the sky with Jashin. Not too bad, considering the divine reward. Even though Jashin was kind of being an asshole in life, he had to be a nicer guy in death, right? _Um, right…?_

The sudden vibration of his new cell phone in his pocket startled Hidan so much that he spilled his beer down his shirt. "Fuck!" Scrambling to pry out his phone, he cursed.

Zetsu tried to peer at the screen nervously. "Who is it…?"

"I don't fucking know, hold on!" The zealot snapped, finally reading the number on the caller ID. "It's—"

Oh.

Oh hell.

He knew that number.

It had been a long time, but not nearly long enough for his heart, since he'd seen that number.

Anger and sorrow burned in his lungs, and he couldn't breathe. "This...this is a new phone. New plan, new company, new motherfucking everything. How could he have found me…?"

The other's eyes were darting around the room wildly, looking anywhere but at Hidan. "We don't understand," he murmured quietly, "Who is calling you, exactly?"

Hidan glared at him fiercely, catching on. "It's motherfucking Kakuzu, you twit. Would _you, _by any chance, happen to know how he got my new contact information?"

He did not respond. "Oh, really?" he tittered, still not brave enough to look at his friend. "It's Kakuzu? Are you going to answer him?"

Hidan slammed down his phone and beer, lunging to grab Zetsu by the shirt collar, "Look, you bastard, did you give him my new number? Is that why you were acting so guilty?"

"Okay, okay, we confess!" The man wailed, frightened. "P-please let go of us, will you?"

"Damn it!" Hidan huffed, roughly releasing him. The cell phone continued to ring, and continued to be unanswered. "Why the hell would you do that? _When _the hell did you do that?"

Zetsu rubbed his neck, shrugged, and attempted to be calm and nonchalant. "Well, he, ah… He came looking for you yesterday. Seemed sad, we thought. Very sad. So we gave him your new information, no harm in that, we thought. He – he was so sad looking, you see! And he really appeared desperate to reach you. Maybe he wants to get back together—"

"No!" Hidan barked, "Not a chance in hell of that happening!"

"Oh, why not, Hidan? We saw it, we saw the way you were with him, finally something like _content—"_

"And look where that got me."

"Well…"

"No, Zetsu. Please, man." His shoulders slumped, and he felt a headache blossoming in his skull. "I can't. I just can't, okay? Um, look…can I…I need to be by myself now, man. Can you go?"

A concerned expression on his face, Zetsu rose uncertainly. "Are you angry with us?"

"Yes, yeah, I'm angry. Duh. But…it'll be fine, let's just forget about it. But I'm not talking to him. Give it up."

He sighed. "Alright."

"Goodbye, Zet."

As Zetsu left, Hidan's phone at last quieted and was still. The Jashinist stared at it, part of him almost longing for it to ring again, despite talking to Kakuzu again was against his better judgment.

Kuzu was sad?

He didn't want Kuzu to be sad…

_No. No, fuck him. The bastard deserves to be sad._

Better judgment hurt so badly.

A voicemail alarm sounded.

His body tingled with desire.

_Listening to it can't… It can't be too terrible, right?_

He bit his lip as he dialed his voicemail, entered his password, and put the phone to his ear to listen.

"Hidan…?" Kakuzu's voice tentatively poured out, enticing feelings in Hidan's chest that were excruciating. "Hidan…" He did sound sad, Zetsu had been right. "I… I thought that I should tell you…that, um… Well, I got this number from your crazy friend, because I needed to tell you about Charlie… He, um. He's…he'd been sick. He died, Hidan, this morning. I thought you should know, because… Anyway. I'm burying him tomorrow, if you…if you want to be there. At noon. At our—at _my _house. Of course. But, um, I… Oh, fuck. Goodbye."

End of message.

Charlie was dead?

Kakuzu had called.

It hurt.

For so many goddamn reasons.

His heart was on fire.

He didn't know what to do about it.

* * *

**A/N: **I feel so bad about killing Charlie. ;A;

On an unrelated note, have any of you lovely people heard A7X's new album? That's epic, right there.

Thank you. :D


End file.
